Monday, January 11, 2016

Hold On To Your Britches Cause I'm Reviewing The Stache Labbits from Frank Kozik x Kidrobot

      Moustaches are tricky.  Depending on the style and the shape they can mean so many different things.  Sometimes they mean that you may drive a sketchy van and just happen to lose your puppy whenever you're near a grade school.  They could mean that you're a trying to get the start up money to fund your artisanal vegan corn dog restaurant.   The moustache is the mixed signal of the facial hair world and it's time we push aside all the negativity it could convey and let it shine like the beacon of manhood it once was.  So before we continue on with this review I'd like to take a moment to reflect on some important moustaches that really should set the tone for how all you bros out there choose to man up going forward:

Burt Reynolds

Yosemite Sam

The Iron Sheik

Lando Calrissian 

Vlad the Impaler

     Now that the follicles on your lip have some folks to look up too, lets get down to Labbit business.  Frank Kozik and Kidrobot released these 10 inch Stache Labbits at the end of last year and boy are they pretty (in a strict manly sort of way of course). Each one features a high gloss finish that will force you to not take pictures of them while only wearing your underpants in case you ever want to run for public office.  

The things his high gloss finish has seen would break a lesser being.

    Of course the main feature of each is a moustache that is both full and unapologetically luscious.  This is what every man dreamed of as his teenage self tried desperately to cultivate the few weed-like hairs that sprouted on his upper lip.  No matter how many adults berated him with the old wive's tale of shaving to make the hair grow in thicker, he only focused of making his wispy little crumb brush the greatest chick magnet it could be.  Some of us, such as myself, were successful in our endeavors and have enjoyed the life that our moustaches have afforded us.  Others, like the sad fellow you see pictured below, live as a basement dwelling Gollum, responding to personal ads on Craigslist while needlessly combing the almost barren landscape beneath their nose.  

   I feel a nun should be following him through the streets yelling "shame" as he is being whipped.  Also, this may or may not be Justin Bieber.

    Having these Labbits in the house has already upped the previously high testosterone levels to unprecedented heights.  Right out of the box this one proceeded outside to berate me on the inefficiency of our heating and cooling unit and demanded we make a trip to Home Depot so he could gather the necessary tools to rebuild it:

We're gonna get this thing pumping air cold enough to store sides of beef in your living room.

    Then this bro went out looking for buffalo that we could turn into sides of beef and store in the living room:

    There is a distinct lack of buffalo in this place you call "New Jersey".  

    Look how good they look outside.  Maybe I can get a meeting with Kidrobot and we can work on a whole lawn decoration line to replace those creepy gnomes that everyone always buys.  Not that I don't like the creepy gnomes a little, but I want something standing guard over my tomatoes that represents me and not what the evil gardening conglomerates shove down my throat.  I don't need your whole Illuminati Powerball cause I'm gonna get rich the old fashioned way: by making stuff to confuse my neighbors.  

    I got a little off track there, as I sometimes do when genius strikes.  You know you want to have more Labbits in your house, cause duh why wouldn't you?  All of this has just furthered your conviction that there's been a void that can only be filled by the manliest of man bunnies.  It's ok, because that very realization is the first step on your way to enlightenment, or something.  The second step is welcoming these follicly-superior beings into your home today by visiting or checking out your favorite places to buy designer toys.  They can be the father figure you've so desperately needed all these years.  


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