Friday, August 18, 2017

The Debut of James Groman's Brachiosaurus from Toy Art Gallery



    If zombie dinosaurs roamed the Earth, would they have still been around until we invented ways to kill them?  This is the pressing question of our times, or at least this very moment as we gaze upon the debut of this Brachiosaurus from James Groman x Toy Art Gallery.  Of course, it is possible that the zombie dinosaurs would have wiped us out before we had the chance to realize that you have to hit them in their pea sized brains for it to be effective.  Now I'm freaking out about zombies evolving to have tiny heads thus making them nearly immortal.  I need to start going to bed earlier.

    Cast in a beautiful red vinyl, this eight inch tall lizard features five points of articulation, which would be just enough to not be able to do a damn thing about a giant meteor.  Available starting today (Friday, August 18) at noon pacific time, he can be yours for $125 only from www.toyartgallery.com



Long Night Edition Luna from The Bots x UVD Toys




    Thank God people weren't toting around cell phones with cameras when I was going through my goth phase.  Plausible deniability is much easier when no photographic evidence exists, and me telling you about it is way less horrifying than seeing it for yourself.  Thankfully I moved past that time in my life well before middle age hit, because looking like Robert Smith from The Cure is not even a good look for Robert Smith.

    Luna is channeling her dark side in this exclusive colorway from The Bots and UVD Toys.  Limited to just 75 pieces, $60 will not only get you the toy but also a matching enamel pin.  Procure yourself one at http://uvdtoys.storenvy.com.



Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Help Luke Chueh Turn His Art Into Animation



    Believe it or not I almost made a cartoon once.  My wife and I were working with this local dude who had a production company and we came up with ideas for something that would have been pretty awesome.  "Would have" because the dude flaked out on us and stole most of our ideas to use in another one of his projects, which actually aired.  I would be mad about it, but his life turned out to be pretty crappy afterwards so I feel like that's the universe having our back on that one.  Karma is way cheaper than trying to hire an attorney.



    Luke Chueh has dreams of turning his famous characters into an animation and he is on the cusp of it happening.  As of this writing his Grief Encounters project is 97% funded, so now it's up to all of you to give it that final push.  There are only a few days left but tons of great rewards still to be had, like the above 1000% resin Possessed statue.  Or if that's a little rich for your blood there are smaller versions in vinyl to be had that are exclusive to the campaign:




    Munky King also has versions of his Hung and Prisoner figures that are dying to hop in a shipping box and be mailed to you as soon as you pledge your support.  Check out this link and let's help make it happen.


      

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Satanic Spaceman Glampyre Lottery from Martin Ontiveros x Toy Art Gallery



    So let me get this straight:  you have a chance to not only own one of these sweet Glampyre toys, but they've been hand painted by the man behind the design, Martin Ontiveros?  And this eight inch figure looking like Dracula joined the Kiss Army is only $150?  I may not hit the Powerball, but this is the next best thing.  You would wish I did hit a jackpot like that, because I would quit my job in such awesome fashion it would absolutely break the Internet.  I've already got it all planned out, so keep me in your prayers.

   Speaking of lotteries, the only way you can own one of these limited edition dream boats is by entering one.  From now until Monday, August 14 at noon pacific you can email sales@toyartgallery.com with the subject line "Glampyre Lottery" along with your PayPal details and shipping address. Then cross whatever you can for good luck so you bring this beauty home.





Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Death Goliathon Lottery from Planet-X Asia x Cop a Squat Toys



    Jane Goodall never hung out with monkeys that looked like this.  All of her primate buds had only one head and certainly didn't look like they took radiation baths every morning. You will not find him in any zoo, placing his paw against the glass in an effort to connect with visitors on some deeper level.  Nope, this is a freakish Planet of the Apes-style secret military monkey whose only interest in you is using your bones to pick his teeth.  He is full of pretty colors, though.  

    Planet -X Asia has enlisted the help of Cop a Squat Toys to paint up a limited run of only 6 of these bad monkeys.  The things are freakin huge so you might want to go to Home Depot and reinforce your shelves before you enter the lottery to purchase one.  Here are the details if you want in on this behemoth:

    All you must do to enter the lottery is be a @copasquattoys follower on Instagram and comment “I’m in!” on the photo 

    Price will be $300 + shipping via USPS Priority.  The winners will be drawn on Friday. August 11th.







Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Blue Draculobster from Michael Skattum



       I was totally gonna write about this season of Game of Thrones but I don't want to be the dude that spoils it for those that haven't watched any episodes yet.  I'd be pretty heated if someone ruined it for me so I'll refrain from wondering too much about how slowly the army of the dead is moving in their attempt to get beyond the wall.  It's not like a kid who doesn't have the use of his legs totally got to where he was going and had time to rest up and spit prophesies.  I bet the undead formed a union and now they have to take regularly scheduled breaks.  Or maybe their bladders have all shriveled and they have to stop to pee constantly like that one time at New York Comic Con where I was trying to pass a kidney stone and I had to go every 10 minutes.  If you're ever peeing blood the most awesome thing you can do is not flush the toilet so the guy after you has something fun to talk about with his friends.        

    This Blue Draculobster from Michael Skattum (aka Draculazer) and Gums Productions totally reminds me of one of those White Walkers.  Except for the lobster claw and his utter disregard for clothing.  You can bring this ten inch vinyl toy home today for only $85 which includes shipping from Honk Kong, which is where giant lobster people live.  Snag one at http://www.michaelskattum.com before they sell out.


     

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Resin Reptillian Madball from Magitarius



      When I was studying forensics in college one of my textbooks had a picture of a dude who had taken copious amounts of illegal substances, sliced his entire face off with broken pieces of glass, and fed his fleshy bits to his dogs.  While the picture was pretty horrifying, the real victims were his puppies who now have an unrealistic expectation of what treat time should look like.  Good luck trying to appease them with a Milk Bone after that.  

    Sometimes when you tear your face off the results are way more neat-o than some basic muscle and bone; sometimes you reveal yourself to be a reptilian overlord.  The folks at Magitarius will make you wonder what your friends are made of with this resin Madball-style release.  Limited to nine pieces, this accurate depiction of the people that run our country are available right now for $55 each (shipping included) by checking out http://www.magitarius.com


Wednesday, August 2, 2017

The Odd Ones: Shard Dunny from Scott Tolleson



 
     You probably thought that The Odd Ones were finished; that the brood of misfits couldn't possibly have any other friends you had yet to meet.  Well, you just got ZINGED!, or whatever it is the kids are saying these days for when you were tricked right out of your shirt, cause looky what we have here.  His name is Shard and he looks to me like a perfect bit of sea glass that washed up on the beach.  Or that blue stuff that the chemistry teacher was making to pay for his cancer treatments in that one show.  Scott Tolleson is there anything you'd like to tell us?  We won't snitch.

     This three inch resin Dunny first made his debut at San Diego Comic Con but now he is available for the rest of the world starting tomorrow (Thursday, August 3rd) at 10 am pacific time.  You'll find him at http://www.stolleart.com/store/ for $50 each plus $10 shipping.



The Lord of the Rings: Mini Epics Vinyl Figures from Weta Workshop



     I remember when my wife took me to watch the first Lord of the Rings film at the theater and afterwards she asked me what I thought about it.  The first thing I could think to say after seeing the books come to life on screen were "I wish we lived in Middle Earth."  I still stand by that sentiment, even though we technically do, as Middle Earth was based on Midgard from Norse Mythology, which is the world of man.  But I want it as it looked in the films: endless breathtaking scenery filled with magic and adventure.  My biggest adventures now are trying to figure how to pay my student loans and not starve to death like the government seems intent on, and trying to figure out why Instagram keeps crashing on my iPad.  Sigh.  

     Everyone out there knows that whenever Weta Workshop is involved in a film that everything they touch will be a highlight, and there collectibles are some of the most impressive I've ever been able to see in person.  Now they're expanding their horizons into the world of vinyl toys and I couldn't be happier.  Each of the first five figures from their new Mini Epics line offers a stylized take on classic characters from The Lord of the Rings.  Choose from Gimli, Frodo, Gollum, a Uruk-Hai Berserker, and a Moria Orc, or just get them all and start your new obsession off properly.  All five are available for preorder now at http://wetaworkshop.com






Tuesday, August 1, 2017

My Pet Monster Vinyl Toy Preorder from Creepy Co




    When I was little I really wanted a pet tiger.  No real particular reason, I just though having a giant cat living in the house would be cool.  Now that I have five normal sized cats I realize what a nightmare that would have been.  Feeding the thing would bankrupt me and cleaning a litter box that something that those little guys use gets bad enough at times; I would need a snow shovel and a back brace to scoop a tiger's litter.  The beauty of wanting stuff as a kid is that practicality never really comes into play.

    My Pet Monster was the everything a kid could ask for:  you could hang out all day with a supernatural creature and you never had worry about it puking up a hairball on your pillow.  You can know relive all of those great childhood memories with this vinyl version from Creepy Co.  Available now for preorder, this 6 inch tall vinyl figure comes in the classic version (limited to 500) and a shackles version (limited to 100).  Hitchhike down the nostalgia highway by visiting https://www.creepycompany.com.
   


Thursday, July 27, 2017

Cheese Cat Lottery from Rato Kim x Strange Cat Toys



    Being lactose intolerant means that cheese is the devil.  I've actually only tasted cheese once and it was a terrible accident that was very traumatizing to me and should have resulted in a lawsuit.  I was attending a birthday party when I was young at Burger King and I distinctly recall ordering mine plain:  meat and bun and nothing else.  I take a bit into what I anticipated was flame broiled deliciousness and was instead met with some awful taste.  I inspected the sandwich that had betrayed me and found that there, just atop the meat patty and below the top bun, was a slice of cheese.  I blacked out with the realization that cheese had made its way into my mouth despite being so careful in my 6 years of life.  I spat out the offending bite, wrapped up the Benedict Arnold of a hamburger, and returned it to the counter for a replacement.  Now I am much more careful and thoroughly deconstruct all of my food to ensure no contraband dairy filth makes it past my defenses.  I'm gonna need a minute to work through some feelings.

    I have no quarrel with things that merely look like cheese, so I feel ok with endorsing this latest release from Rato Kim.  Her ridiculously popular Bread Cat is living the fromage life in this exclusive release with Strange Cat Toys.  There are only 10 of these available and for the opportunity to purchase one you must enter a lottery via email.  You have until August 2nd to get your entry in at strangecattoys@outlook.com, and please use "cheese cat" in the subject line so they don't think you're  a hot single in their area trying to meet up tonight.  


Wednesday, July 26, 2017

SKLFKR: Untouched from Huck Gee x Clutter Magazine



    If I were president of America (which let's be real the standards of the job have been dramatically lowered to "can spell own name" and "can list favorite color")  one of my top priorities is approaching the United Nations about implementing the concept presented in the film Robot Jox to settle all disputes.  In case you're not familiar with said movie, it would involve each country building their own giant robots to duke it out in lieu of actual warfare.  Not only are we saving lives but we're saving a ton of money in military spending that can actually be diverted into more important areas.  Plus, you actually MAKE money by selling tickets to the fights and broadcasting them on pay per view.    Feel free to call me a genius at any time.  

    Who wouldn't watch this guy from Huck Gee and Clutter Magazine give Mecha Kim Jong the business end of that axe?  This twenty inch beast was engineered by the folks at Cubo, is made of a mixture of solid and rotocast resin, and features 11 points of articulation which is just below the legal limit.  You can preorder this white version for $300 when it goes on sale this Friday, July 28th, from shop.cluttermagazine.com.  Until then you should start reinforcing the are where you're going to put him so you don't have one of those Breaking Bad bathtub through the ceiling incidents.  



Friday, July 21, 2017

First Painted Edition of Orion from Brandt Peters x Unbox Industries




    I would have sworn by the year 2017 we would have all kinds of cool Terminator body parts that could shoot flames and save MP3s.  While awesome replacement parts aren't readily available at Costco, having snakes for arms like this dude would be super weird and probably not the most fun.  Could you even carry heavy stuff around, like could you get your snakes extra swole at the gym?  And shaking hands would require the person you're greeting to be bit by venomous reptiles, so good luck making friends.  You'd probably take some pretty epic Instagram pics though, which could get you sponsorships from lots of dumb companies that make weird beauty products that no one needs.  See, I took that positive and totally turned it into a negative.  I am in no way shape or form ready for snake arms.

    While I am not responsible enough for serpent limbs, this mummy bro from Brandt Peters and Unbox Industries has adapted quite well.  This is the first painted version of Orion that's ever existed and you can welcome him into your home this Saturday (July 22nd) when he goes on sale at http://store.unboxindustries.info.  Check that site for more info as it pertains to your area of the world.


Thursday, July 20, 2017

Giant Vinyl Mockbats from Paul Kaiju x Unbox Industries



   Forget fiberglass, because Unbox Industries is proving that not only can you make giant figures out of vinyl, but it can also be relatively affordable.  These Mockbats from Paul Kaiju are nearly three feet of sweet sweet plastic that are just as articulated as their smaller relatives.  You have your choice between orange, black, and pink and the preorder for them will begin this Saturday, July 22nd, and they will retail for $750 each, which considering their size seems like a great price to me.  Check out the details at http://store.unboxindustries.info to secure yourself one.  Get one just in time for Halloween and take your decorating into the year 2087.


Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Attend the First Ever Sucklord Artist Lecture



    You looking for something classy to do with your new Whole Food's shopping friends that play in the band who only use antique ink wells as instruments?  This is not that event.  But if you're looking to have a good time, learn the secrets of being an international toy bootlegger, and probably meet other folks of ill repute, then do I have your plans sewn up for Friday night.  The Sucklord is hosting an artist talk at Con Artist Collective in New York.  For a mere $6 you will not only get to hear a world famous artist wax poetic about his life and work, but you also get a free toy and a drink ticket!  It's like buying a Happy Meal but without the heart disease!  Get more info and tickets at https://conartistnyc.com.  


Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Naomi Knaff is Running a Summer Sale



    The summer is flying right by, which I'm cool with because it is too hot for my blood out there.  I've used gallons of sunscreen so I don't fry like bacon and I've certainly been bitten by enough bugs to have turned into Spider Man by now.  Summer is not all bad though, because sometimes you get to buy cool stuff on sale.  Case in point, Naomi Knaff is running a sale on her website that will give you 25% off anything you want by merely typing in the code SWEATYTOYS at checkout.  Get yourself some crazy resin madness at low low prices by checking out http://www.naomiknaff.com.  The offer is only good for the week so quit your procrastinating.  



Puddle Dunny Rustic Edition from Josh Mayhem



    I've read plenty of times how cotton swabs are the worst thing you can stick in your ear.  Probably not worse than a hot poker, or a hunting knife, but neither one of those is marketed to clean your ears other than by your uncle Bubba from Louisiana who for some reason don't hear so good.  Those padded sticks just push the wax down into the nooks and crannies of your ear canal and it sucks.  I went to the doctor the other day because I was having ear issues and compacted wax was the diagnoses.  The cure was this squirt bottle with a special nozzle that shot a mix of peroxide and hot water in there.  It's not what I would call an unpleasant feeling, but let me tell you the joy of seeing what came out.  Ok, it wasn't joy so much as it was "holy crap, how do I have spare room in my skull for that?"

    I doubt very seriously that Josh Mayhem was inspired by my medical plights as he was the pretty colors of rusted metal, but you never know.  He's releasing these rustic Puddle Dunnys later today (Tuesday, July 18th) at 10 am pacific time only through http://www.joshmayhem.com.  There are 10 different ones sold blind box style with 1 chase version that's a bit different from the rest.



Thursday, July 13, 2017

The Clairvoyant Dunny Teal Edition from JRYU x Kidrobot



    The thing about the spirit realm is that you don't get to decide when it's finished with you.  Once words are spoken, once doors are open, your control of the situation is non existent.  You might as well enjoy the ride, for the destination is no longer up to you.

    J*Ryu's insanely popular Clairvoyant Dunny has returned in this gorgeous teal that was voted on by the fans.  This eight inch figure and three inch crystal ball companion will be available starting tomorrow, July 14th, only through select Kidrobot retailers.  Start hitting up your favorite shops to see who will have them and may the fates smile in your favor.  



Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Bozu Takigyo Edition from Planet 3 Toys x Lulubell Toys




    I learned today that Takigyo is a Shinto purification ritual that is done through meditation under a waterfall.  It is similar to the ritual I do under the shower every morning called "try and build up the strength to deal with crazy people at work."  I should probably come up with a shorter name for it, but as great as the English language is it does have its limitations.  Now the German language, that's something to behold because they have words for just about any situation one might find themselves in.  I don't know any of them off the top of my head, but say that I fell off of my donkey while on the side of a mountain and rolled into a wasp's nest.  Undoubtedly the Germans have one single word that would sum it up so we could all move on with our lives.  

    Planet 3 Toys is celebrating the one year anniversary of their Bozu figure's debut with this marbled Takigyo edition.  You know I love marbled vinyl, so I am crushing hard on the different tones of blue.    Standing three and a half inches tall and complete with a hand made tag, this little dude will retail for $30 each plus shipping when he goes on sale this Saturday (July 15th) at 10am pacific time from Lulubell Toys.  






Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct 1/4 Scale Figure from Blitzway



    Is there a scene in movie history that caused such a commotion for teenage boys around the world?  Now for those of you youngsters that don't know, this movie was originally released on VHS, an archaic medium that used large magnetic tape to store a film.  There was no internet, certainly no Youtube, so when word got around the school that Sharon Stone exposed her most secret of secrets on film you had to put in work if you wanted to see it.  You had to find someone whose parents owned the tape, then they had to somehow sneak it out of the house, then you either had to have a group viewing (which was gonna lead to some awkward moments) or you had to pass it around your circle of friends which could theoretically take a month until everyone saw it.  All of this while the kid who borrowed the tape was nervous that he was going to get the beating of his life if he got caught.  You kids have no idea how easy you really have it.  

    There is a 100% chance that the first thing anyone does when they buy this is to check its anatomical accuracy.  Now I don't know whether or not they got every detail (you freaks) but Blitzway certainly seems to have had no problem reproducing that famous interrogation scene.  This figure is over a foot tall and about as realistic as you could possibly get without traveling back in time and paying the real Sharon Stone to hang out in your living room.  Trust me, this is more affordable and won't lead to a restraining order.

   You can pre-order this right now from Bluefin for $429.99 with an expected release date of February 2018.  


Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Red Eye Cyclops X / Prototype 2 from Plaseebo



    I've never bought into the fact that cyclops are scary creatures.  Yeah, they may live in caves and make wind chimes from the bones of their victims, but unless you are already horribly injured or just dumb there's no way a cyclops is catching you with just a club.  They only have one eye, so their depth perception must be crap, right?  What are the odds that the dude is gonna play whack a mole with a bunch of sailors who mistakenly landed on his island?  As long as you're not standing around like a doofus you should have no problem escaping one of these guys.  That is my mythological creature survival tip of the day.

   For what he may lack in being able to judge distances, Plaseebo's cyclops bro more than makes up for in terrifying looks department.  This one of a kind resin/vinyl amalgam stands almost 9 inches tall and of course lights up like the Fourth of July courtesy of a color changing LED.  Start gathering tasty sheep for when this guy goes on sale tomorrow, July 12th, only from www.plaseebo.net.



Thursday, July 6, 2017

Horrible Adorables Solo Show "Matriarchy" at Stranger Factory



    I bought Sharon her first Horrible Adorables original for her birthday this year and the thing about them is that once you own one, you want and entire wall full of them.  Think about how amazing that would look in your living room:  you're just sitting there watching tv with a hundred heads of whimsical felt creatures staring back at you.  Don't be surprised if they break into song from The Muppets catalog of hits.

    This Friday, July 7th,  at Stranger Factory you can witness their latest solo show entitled "Matriarchy."  The theme centers around females in the animal kingdom who are boss ladies and the lives that revolve around them.  If you're close to Albuquerque you can check it out during the opening reception from 6-9pm, while the show itself will run until the 30th.  

Dark Goliath Krawluss Blanks from Skinner x Mutant Vinyl Hardcore




   Oh my God, I feel like I've been in a drought when it comes to stuff to write about (unintentional rhyme there).  My throat is dry, my typing fingers have atrophied, and it took me three hours to type this last sentence in the proper order.  I thought about retiring and moving to Florida but then I remembered that everything really dumb I see on the news happens in Florida, so I decided to just wait it out.  And shazam, my prayers have been answered courtesy of Skinner.  I should have known he would come through in a pinch.

   The mighty Krawluss is a collaboration between Skinner and Mutant Vinyl Hardcore and these blank dudes will be available to add a pop of color to your drab living spaces this Friday at noon pacific time.


    For those of you needing some Skinner goodness but also trying to take your lady out to Taco Bell this weekend, here's a bag of two heads and a club for just $30.  You can never have too many spare body parts laying around, or paint em yourself and become the next toy customizing super star.  Like an RKO, the colors are random and come seemingly out of nowhere.  

Get it all at http://theartofskinner.com this Friday, July 7th, at noon pacific time.  


    

Friday, June 30, 2017

Blue Oyster Owl Clam from Nathan Jurevicius x Toy Art Gallery




    I'm gonna out hipster all the hipsters with my newest idea.  This is what's gonna secure my place as an eccentric old man years before I need to really be good at it.  First, I'm gonna give all my shirts away and buy a bunch of pocket tees.  No, you can't have them either, I'm gonna mail them to wherever they send those sports shirts from the losing team of championship games so that my magic goes world wide.  Next, I'm gonna get a screech owl and carry him around everywhere in my pocket. Oh my God, I can hear the collective sigh of not only every dude with his typewriter in Starbucks, but every old back woods bro who thought he won the crazy game with his raccoon he walks on a leash whenever he goes into town.  You'd think my wife isn't behind this idea but she wants a screech owl so badly it has blinded her to my madness.  His name is Tilda Swinton by the way and he is not interested in coming to your birthday party unless the cake is made of mice.  Good luck with that.


I love how judgmental they look.  Could you have disappointed a bird any more than this?


    Until I figure out how to buy my pocket screech owl I will practice with a less temperamental stand in like this Owl Clam from Nathan Jurevicius x Toy Art Gallery.  This toy literally consists of a shell fish that is harboring some owl fugitives.  It's pretty nuts, and it can be all yours when this Blue Oyster version releases later today at noon pacific time only from www.toyartgallery.com.


Monday, June 26, 2017

Francis AP Dunny Sets from Scott Tolleson




   Did you know in The Bride of Frankenstein movie that the title character actually had red hair?  It's hard to tell because the film is in black and white, but there ya go.  Now I did learn it on the internet, so it may or may not be true, but if it is that's a fun tidbit in case you're ever on Jeopardy.  I only ask for ten percent of the winnings as your manager.

    Scott Tolleson can make The Bride's hair whatever color he wants because that's called "artistic license."  Which is not considered one of the six points of identification required by the New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicles to get and extra copy of your registration and they don't find it funny if you try that.

   Now The Bride wasn't part of Scott's Odd Ones Dunny Series when Kidrobot released it, so he made her up, cast her in resin, and had her join her man Frankie in holy matrimony (oh and Scott hand painted her).  And the groom got spruced up too with a bow tie and a kiss from his lady.  Each set of figures comes with a marriage certificate, is limited to ten, and will sell for $250 when they're released this Tuesday at 10am pacific time from http://www.stolleart.com

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Ring of Honor Series 2 Action Figures




    Let me tell you something (you know it's about to get serious when I say "let me tell you something"):  if you are a fan of professional wrestling and have never been to see Ring of Honor you are selling yourself short.  Sharon and I went to our first one recently when they did the War of the Worlds Tour with New Japan and we were completely blown away.  The crowd was insane, which I expected being that we were in the old ECW Arena in South Philly, but the show itself was like nothing we've ever seen.  The matches were fast paced and the characters beyond interesting.  We came home and attempted to watch what normally airs on national television and we couldn't do it.  It was like tasting filet mignon then having someone try and feed you the manager's special.


   Now you can make up your own story lines and create epic battles with these new figures.  This is series two for Ring of Honor and Figures Toy Company and features Adam Cole, Delirious, Bobby Fish, and Kyle O'Reilly.  They're available right now at http://figurestoycompany.com.







    On a personal note, Jinxed in Philadelphia and myself hosted a custom Munny show a few years back and Delirious actually worked on a figure for us, so it's pretty cool to see him get his own in this series.  In fact, I found the picture of it:




Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Of tokidoki and Crane Machines: An American Tale of Success in the Face of Adversity




  This past weekend the weather was warm and the crane machines were calling me like the quarter stealing sirens they are, so Sharon and I headed down to Wildwood to satiate my arcade lust.  Now I don't consider myself an expert at crane games, but the chest full of prizes I've won for my wife since we've been together would probably say otherwise.  It's filled to capacity with random stuffed toys that I've snatched from plexiglass prisons with the steady hand of a vascular surgeon.  I like to think of myself as a freedom fighter for cheaply made, possibly unlicensed, boardwalk trinkets.

   Sharon is excited no matter what I happen to win for her, or at least she is kind enough to feign enthusiasm as I celebrate my show of masculinity.  But this time was different; this time there were objects marooned on a bed of plastic diamonds that I knew she would want:  tokidoki toys!  Yes indeed, one machine was filled with blind boxed toys from her favorite company.  I procured a roll of quarters from the attendant and set about my quest to win every single one.

    Spoiler alert:  things didn't go quite as planned.  I spent a few dollars trying to maneuver the crane into just the right position to be able to properly secure each box, but all attempts had failed.  Dejected I moved on, trying my luck at other rigged games of chance in order to salvage what dignity I had left when it came to my hand eye coordination, but at each machine the result was the same.  What was happening to me?  Were my powers stolen by some thief in the night?  When I was a baby my grandmother would freak out when our cat slept in the crib with me because she thought it would steal my breath.  Did something akin to this happen and one of my kitties now possessed a useless talent for carnival games?

    My head spun and I felt lost, but unlike a coed on senior week, I was not about to give it up so easily.  I returned to the tokidoki machine and I dug my heels in for a fight.  Determined to play until I was victorious or ran out of quarters, I tried again and again to snatch one of those toys from the gaping chasm of defeat.  A few times I was close, a few others not so much, until finally the claw of destiny grabbed tightly around the four corners of the box.  Breathless seconds past as it raised my prize high above, slammed it to an abrupt stop, then crept slowly towards me.  The claw swung back and forth as if its bounty was putting up one last fight before it finally accepted its fate and was dropped lovingly into the retrieval bin.  I had done it!  I had bested the machine, thus extending our dominance over our creations and putting off the robot apocalypse for a few more years.  The picture above shows my wife's hand lovingly displaying her prize.  And we all lived happily ever after.

   

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Kyoot Kickstarter from Lisa Rae Hansen x The Designer Toy Collective




    Here at The Toy Viking I'm all about making dreams come true.  I'm also all about the abolishment of portion control, professional wrestling, petting cats, going to the zoo, flea markets, Norwegian black metal, container gardening, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt seasons 1-3 (available now on Netflix), and toys.  The last one is really the only pertinent one in this instance, as I'm about to smack you with knowledge of Lisa Rae Hansen's Kickstarter project.  With the expertise of The Designer Toy Collective, Lisa is poised to make her first ever vinyl production toy.  But this won't happen unless you get involved.  If you want to see this little super hero dude fly onto toy shelves around the world then you've got to make it happen.  By visiting this link you not only have the ability to make this a reality, but you'll also come away with sweet rewards in the process.  There's everything from pins, to a Kickstarter exclusive colorway of the figure, to customs from your favorite artists.  Get on it!