Sludge Kraken DX Lottery from Paul Kaiju x Mutant Vinyl Hardcore

    I totally get why everyone is so interested in space.  It's infinite vastness is beyond mind blowing to comprehend and I don't know anyone that wouldn't poop themselves at the discovery of alien life.  But we have some important loose ends to tie up here on Earth, like whatever is lurking at the bottom of the ocean.  Since the dawn of time we've had fantastic notions of what could be swimming around down there and no one has yet to prove that we're not on the verge of some serious aquatic warfare.  Right now creatures could be holding planning sessions on what do with our yucky corpses once they take over the planet.  That whole melting of the polar icecaps is probably there way of accessing currently unreachable places that would be the key to their overall world domination.  While we're staring up at the sky contemplating the stars, they are going to rise from the depths and attack.  

    Paul Kaiju and Mutant Vinyl Hardcore have glimpsed our future and captured it perfectly via this Sludge Kraken DX.  You'll get a shot at welcoming our fishy-smelling overlords into your home and praying for their mercy when the lottery to purchase one opens this Sunday, April 19th, at noon pacific time.  You have exactly one day to enter for your chance to buy one, after which your bag of bones is on its own during the uprising.  

Enter at http://paulkaiju.com/

Mint Green Gacha Minis from Paul Kaiju x Toy Art Gallery

    These look delicious.  I wonder why no one has ever made edible toys before.  Maybe they don't want you to have to choose between having your toy or biting it's yummy little head off.  I would be torn as to what to do.  I would probably eat it, knowing that I'd instantly regret it, then I would complain and my wife would tell me to be quiet because Downton Abbey is on and I'm totally ruining it.  I love that show.  Did you see Lady Mary's new haircut?  What a fox!  Edith is just insufferable though and I realize she's had it rough but you're never going to get out from your sister's shadow if all you do is mope around the house all day.

    Toy Art Gallery is releasing a new set of mini figures from Paul Kaiju today in hunger inducing mint green.  You can get a set of them for $60 starting at noon pacific time from http://shop.toyartgallery.com/.
    

Milky Purple Slugbeard Lottery from Paul Kaiju x Toy Art Gallery

    My wife and I have a black cat named Icarus who has a bit of an eating disorder.  He likes to ingest anything from shoe laces and string to loosely woven fabrics.  One time he ate half of a shirt sleeve and had to go to the emergency vet to have some help in passing it.  We lock up all of our shoes and clothing and anything else we think he might decide to nibble on.  But sometimes you can't help what he decides is gonna taste good, especially if it's something you didn't bring into the house.  

   We first met Icarus when he was a kitten and he became lodged behind the engine of my car.  Four hours later and with the aid of a tow truck lifting the front of the car, we were able to liberate him from his automotive prison, and hoist him above our heads for the gathered crowd to see (picture the Lion King with more grease).  Needless to say the experience was rough on him and he wasn't too into being social, and by not too into it I mean he wouldn't let us touch him for six months.  He loved our other two cats but he was kind of leary people.  Slowly he began to socialize more and more with us; coming up to us to pet him, sitting near us on the couch, etc.  This is when we began to notice his weird eating habits, which we attributed to his traumatic experience of having been trapped for who knows how long underneath the car.  

    One night he was playing behind the couch and we started to hear this weird slurping noise.  We figured he had gotten into something we missed and was now making a meal of it.  I pulled the couch back to take it from him and witnessed, what is to this day, the weirdest thing any of my cats has ever tried to eat.  There, laying on the carpet, was a slug with the back half of its slime sucked clean off of his body.  My wife asks me what he has, and I tell he she doesn't want to know (she thinks slugs are the grosses things in the world) but she looks anyway.  I'd never seen her move so fast to get as far away from something.

    The moral of the story is my cat tried to eat a slug and my wife would probably object to me owning anything named Slugbeard.  But look how pretty Paul Kaiju's monstrous creation looks cast in a milky shade of purple.  I think she'd be able to look past the name don't you?

    Toy Art Gallery will be holding a lottery to give you the chance to buy one of these pretty behemoths.  Starting tomorrow at noon pacific time and running through December 22nd at noon pacific, you can send your pertinent details (PayPal address, shipping info) in an email to sales@toyartgallery.com with the subject line "Slugbeard Lottery".  Then you cross all your fingers and toes and hope the toy gods smile upon you.  If you win, you have to pony up $165 (which is a steal considering how freakin huge this thing is) and then wait patiently for the mail to come.  No early or multiple entries suckas.    

Behold the Lavender Pollen Kaiser from Paul Kaiju x Toy Art Gallery

    Did anyone start their Christmas shopping yet?  I'm sort of on the ball this year and have already begun chipping away at it.  I'm never the type to wait until the last minute, but each year I seem to get dangerously close to panic mode.  Sometimes I even have dreams where it's Christmas morning and I haven't bought anyone anything and I do my best to fake a reason to be rushed to the emergency room just to buy me some time to figure out what to do.  They at least have a gift shop in the hospital, so I might be able to pass off a "get well" teddy bear or a bunch of phone cards as legit gifts.  It's kinda horrifying.

    You can begin your shopping for me today when Paul Kaiju and Toy Art Gallery release their latest edition of the mighty Pollen Kaiser.  See how easy I make this for you.  So park yourself near a computer at noon Pacific time, have it pointed at http://shop.toyartgallery.com/ and let the raining of presents upon me commence.  Of you can buy it for someone else I guess and I'll just resent you.  Kidding, I'm kidding, I will always love you.  But there's always room to move up on the love list, now isn't there?  

    

Three New Releases from Toy Art Gallery Happening Today!

    Sweet Jesus what on earth is this thing?  It looks like something that would chase you down a hallway in some horror film, laughing like a demented school girl as it thinks about what part of you it will eat first.  If I were to somehow own this, I think I would look in a safe before I went to bed at night, just in case it was as haunted as it looks.  I have learned that it's called a Smalmack and this is the "Uncle Woman" edition.  I now nominate "uncle woman" as two words in the english language never to be paired together ever again.  

    This freaky thing is part of a triple release of figures today from Toy Art Gallery.  If you need something to scare your kids into staying in their room when they're being punished, then you my friend might be in the market for an uncle woman something or other.  Just put it outside their door, and no kid with a healthy fear of anything will dare cross the threshold of their temporary prison.  For $70, it seems worth it.  

    Oh thank you lord it's just a cat figure.  Just look at him, all cute in his little shorts and little suspenders.  Do you know if you happen to die in your home and you own cats that eventually they will start to nibble on your corpse?  It's true, it was in a book written by a former medical examiner in New York.  My cat Jorah bites me on the nose every night while I sleep.  I'd like to think it's because he misses me being awake with him, but I'm realistic enough to know that he's checking to see if the buffet is open yet.  Do you see what that first figure did to me?  It made me a sicko.  $30 will get you one of these cute little guys from T9G.  

    Luftkaiser! Luftkaiser!  I like this little dude.  Maybe because he's German and I've always wanted to visit there.  Or maybe it's the bat wings.  Who doesn't love a good set of bat wings?  No one I know, that's for sure.  This dude sprung from the mind of Paul Kaiju and is kinda giving off a Skeletor vibe with this paint job.  I dig it, and you can too for $45.  

    You can snag all three of these toys when they go on sale at noon Pacific time from http://shop.toyartgallery.com/.   

Paul Kaiju's King Jinx Gets the Skinner Treatment and He Likes It!

    When the crab people finally rise from the depths and enslave human kind I hope they don't come ashore in Atlantic City.  Casinos keep closing and most of the neighborhoods aren't that friendly, and crab people are gonna just look like target practice.  The one's that survive will probably be forced into a life of prostitution for some pimp named Boo Bear with a short fuse and a strong smackin hand.  It's a cold city, crab people, so just stay underwater and head further south to Florida, where the people are retired and will just be happy to have something new to talk about with their grandkids.  

    Skinner has got those mad skills when it comes to painting toys.  I look at em, and I try to decide how he does it, but I don't know.  I'm just a simple man, typing simple words, I'm no toy coloring wizard.  Just gaze upon the magnificence that he has bestowed upon Paul Kaiju's King Jinx.  I hope you had your inhaler nearby, cause I know that sucker just took your breath away.  Or maybe it took your breath away when you first saw the picture and you were never even able to read what I wrote cause you are now dead on the floor with your hands around your neck and a panicky smile on your face.  If that's the case then you're gonna miss out when these go on sale today at noon Pacific time today over at http://shopcriticalhit.com/.  For those of you still with us, there are only gonna be 5 available, so your odds of getting just increased and I'll be expecting thank you notes for killing your competition.  

    

Toy Art Gallery's 5th Anniversary Show Featuring Vertebrata

    Toy Art Gallery is celebrating their 5th Anniversary this Saturday by inviting a lot of really weird looking chicks to come and hang out with their friends and customers.  No, I don't mean girls from some backwoods strip club (I pass by three on the way to work and it doesn't get any more sketchy than hillbilly strip clubs) I'm talking about Vertebrata.  The crazy brain child of Paul Kaiju and Blobpus has been customized by some of the most well known toy artists out there and they will be on display beginning with the opening reception on Saturday.  If you live in the Los Angeles area you should go and check it out, cause it will be more fun than laughing at people with botched plastic surgery.  

Paul Kaiju's Gacha Minis in Orange from Toy Art Gallery

    The thing about collecting anything is that you are eventually going to run out of usable space.  And being that you spent all of your money on what you collect, chances are you're not going to be able to upgrade your living situation on a whim.  So you have to get creative.  Like how I use the space beneath my stairs in the basement to store all of the packaging from the toys I buy.  It's starting to look like the storage room from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.  

(Actual picture from beneath my stairs.  That's David, our mutant boy who is in charge of sorting all of the boxes.  He works for 2 fish a week and access to our cable television.)  

     Of course if you're running out of space to store packaging you've gotta be getting tight on places you can actually show off the toys you love.  Fill those little nooks and crannies to capacity by adding some of Paul Kaiju's Gacha Minis to the mix.  This bright orange edition will be available tomorrow from Toy Art Gallery at noon Pacific time.  Each two inch figure is $15 or you can buy the whole set for $60, which essentially gets you one for free.  Oh math, how I have bested you yet again. 

http://shop.toyartgallery.com/

Hand Painted Luftkaiser from Paul Kaiju x Toy Art Gallery

    The United States is all about flying these stupid unmanned drones over all of its cities to spy on everyone, but how long do you think it's gonna be before a bunch of hillbillies start shooting them out of the sky?  Maybe drone taxidermy will become a thing and people will mount their heads over their fireplaces with little brass plaques telling the date and location of their kill.  Yeah, we'll probably never find out if people are doing that because I would imagine the jail time would be pretty intense for shooting down the government's toys, but I'd love for it to catch on.  

    If the government were smart, it would have designed all of its drones to look like a Luftkaiser.  Could you imagine seeing this thing flying around and trying to peek in your windows?  You'd be so terrified the last thing on your mind would be trying to shoot it and get close to it.  Now I would like it to become a thing where the government redesigns all drones to look like monsters.  

    Paul Kaiju hand painted a run of these scary looking dudes that will go on sale exclusively through Toy Art Gallery tomorrow, Friday the 20th, at noon Pacific time.  You can get one for $75, which is a lot less than the fine will be for blowing a drone out of the sky.  I think I said "drone" enough in this post to now be on an official NSA watch list.  Oh joy!

    

A Plethora of Releases from Paul Kaiju This Wekend

    Forget your student loans!  Tell the electric company to shove it where the sun don't shine!  Steal gas from your neighbor's car at night!  Do what you have to because Paul Kaiju has a buttload of stuff going on sale this weekend that you need!  How much is a buttload?  It's a unit of measure, commonly used in the Southern United States, that indicates an amount that while fathomable, still blows your mind a bit.  

    All that you see above will be going on sale tomorrow, which is Saturday the 17th.  At 1pm Pacific time you will be able to purchase the Mockshock set, which includes a Mockbat and Mockpilot or you could get a Red Ree with all the fixins.  At 3pm Pacific time you can snag a glow in the dark Mockpilot  or a Chibi Jinx.  

Moving on to Sunday.  Beginning at noon Pacific time you can enter a lottery to purchase one of these Dark Blue Mockbats:

    The lottery is open until noon Pacific time on Monday and then you'll be notified if you won the opportunity to buy one or not.  

http://paulkaiju.com/

Gacha Mini Set from Paul Kaiju x Toy Art Gallery

    Look at these tiny wittle baby monsters.  They're so cute you would never suspect that they could grow up one day and wreck the city you live in.  Remember when people used to buy baby alligators cause they were cute then they'd wake up one day and they couldn't shower anymore because a blood-thirsty reptile was living in their bathtub?  And people would flush them down the toilets before they got to big so everyone thought their were these mutant lizards living in our sewer systems that would one day rise and enact their revenge for being abandoned and not shown the proper motherly love that all creatures need.  There's no therapy programs for alligators with a bad childhood.

    Paul Kaiju and Toy Art Gallery are releasing this gacha mini set featuring some of his most well known characters.  You can pick them up for $60 a set or $15 individually.  For those of you math impaired (I double checked my calculations 6 times) that means you get one figure for free by opting for the set.  They go on sale today at noon Pacific time at http://shop.toyartgallery.com/.

Jade Green King Jinx from Paul Kaiju

    You can't tell me stuff like this isn't going to creep out of the ocean one day and enslave us all.  It's gonna happen, and they're gonna be extra pissed cause of you throwing your Miller Lite cans in the water while you're out fishing with your buddies.  You've doomed us all to a life as crab slaves.  

    Everybody wants a King Jinx toy from Paul Kaiju.  Maybe it's so we can decode their weak points and have a defense when their relatives come attacking.  Or maybe it's just cause of how cool they look.  If you want to get this Jade Green version you've gotta enter a special lottery for the chance to purchase one.  This Sunday, April 27th, at noon Pacific time you can go to http://paulkaiju.com/ and put down all your pertinent information for a chance to win.  The lottery is only open for 24 hours, so take your useless stuff to the pawn shop and scratch up some funds.  

Rootbeer Corn Float Unchimen from Skinner Release Today!

    Anything having to do with poop is hilarious.  You know you still laugh whenever someone lets out a fart in public.  If the biggest, scariest, most prison-rapey dude you've ever seen let one rip there would be nothing you could do to stop from laughing.  Sure, he may kill you for making fun of his gaseous indiscretion, but even the thought of being choked to death by his tattooed hands can't stop it from being funny.  There is only one time that poop is not funny and that's when it's happening to us.  But even that is only momentary, because afterwards you can laugh about how you "wrecked the pipes" in your house, or that time you almost had to poop in the ditch on the way to the Bob Dylan concert because you swore your bowels could no longer take the torture of the Kentucky Fried Chicken you ate earlier and it was really hard to hold back their fury and operate the clutch of the truck you were driving without there being a breach in your backdoor security.  But then like an oasis in the midday desert heat you saw rise an Exxon station in the horizon, and you knew your salvation was at hand and you would not lose a good pair of underwear or your dignity on the side of a highway in Delaware after all.  

    Skinner has painted up three of these turd men by Paul Kaiju so you can finally own something nice that your mother can be proud of.  They go on sale today (Wednesday,April 23rd) at noon Pacific time at http://theartofskinner.com/.  And by the way, if anything ever comes out of your body that looks like this, don't bother consulting WebMD or even your local emergency room.  You need a priest and a will.  

Slugbeard Hand Painted Edition from Paul Kaiju x Toy Art Gallery

    Do I actually have a story about slugs or beards that I can relate to this toy's name?  Of course I do, don't be silly.  Here goes.

    In the first apartment my wife and I shared we had a lot of outside critters that wanted to becoem inside critters.  There was this one cat that would just walk in the front door whenever I tried to leave for work and go hide under the bed.  He was always covered in cuts, missing patches of hair, and even had a dangly tooth.  I was like "look bro, you gotta get your life together if you want to stay in this house" but he was more about that street life, so he had to stay outside.  We had a few snakes come in through a hole in the baseboards in our kitchen/dining area.  I'd catch them in my wife's Tupperware before tossing their butts back outside, then she'd always wonder why her Tupperware went missing and I'd be all like "I had to throw it out cause it was full of snakes", which at the time seemed like a valid argument.  

    But our best visitor, by far, was introduced to us by our cat Icarus, who had found him behind our couch.  He likes to eat things that he shouldn't, like shoe strings, yarn, and Thai food, so when we heard him slurping something down we thought it would be something run of the mill that we'd have to take from him.  Instead, it was a slug.  He was sucking the slime off of the back end of a giant slug.  Literally, the front half of the slug was nice and shiny, while the back half was bone dry.  My wife threw up as I plucked the poor little guy from the carpet and returned him to the wild.  And that my friends, is my slug story.  Oh, and I had a pretty gnarly beard the whole time this was going on, so there you go.

    If you're still with me, I'd now like to tell you about Slugbeard.  This monstrosity who looks like he has risen from the deep to make us all pay for knowing who Kim Kardashian is, was created by Paul Kaiju and produced by Toy Art Gallery.  And when I say monstrosity I mean it, cause this sucker is over a foot tall and nearly as wide.  This edition was hand painted by Mr. Kaiju himself and is only available to you if you enter a lottery beginning tomorrow (Thursday, May 20th) at noon Pacific time. The lottery will win you the opportunity to purchase one of these suckers, which will run you $250.  You only have until Friday at noon to decide whether you're man enough to enter the drawing.  Here's how you do it:

Email sales@toyartgallery.com with “Slugbeard Lottery” as the subject along with your paypal address and shipping info. If selected you will be sent an invoice for payment. Please allow 24 hours for a response after the closing time (Friday 12PM PST). Winners will be chosen at random, one entry per participant please (if you submit more than once you will be disqualified).

New Minions Sets from Paul Kaiju x Skinner x Lulubell Toy Bodega

    I had this dream last night where I laid down to go to bed and for some reason there was this recessed part of the ceiling directly above my pillow.  Inside that space were the biggest, most grotesque insects I had ever seen.  Giant spiders, beetles, and all kinds of other crazy bugs were moving all around and threatening to fall on my face.  In the dream I jumped out of bed and this one flying critter flew over to me and started speaking english, all wanting to be my friend and hang out  with his razor-sharp talons and blood-soaked teeth.  He spoke like he had done really well in school, but that didn't stop me from beating the living hell out of him.  I splattered his bug blood everywhere, all while trying to keep an eye out for his little buddies.  I felt kind of bad about it, but I figured he was a dirty liar who would probably bore a hole through my ear drum and suck out my brain.  This dream can really mean only two things:  either I need to start getting more sleep or I need to stop looking at toys like this before bed.

    Skinner and Paul Kaiju are set to release this brand new series of Minions on an unsuspecting world this week, and Mr. Kaiju himself hand painted these creepers.  They will be sold blind bagged and you will get one of the two sets you see featured above.  They go on sale this Saturday, February 15th, at 12:01 Pacific time only from Lulubell Toy Bodega.  

Neapolitan Boss Carrion from Paul Kaiju

    I wish they had elephants that looked like this at the zoo.  I like the normal elephants, but it wouldn't hurt to spice things up a bit.  Most of the time when I'm at the zoo they aren't doing a whole lot, which I suppose is normal for them.  But you get something like this there, and all kinds of craziness is bound to happen.  And even if it doesn't, people would stop and stare for hours just waiting in case it did.  It would probably be expensive to feed though, because you can't buy the souls of orphans wholesale.  

   Paul Kaiju is releasing this newest edition of his Boss Carrion figure through lottery beginning this Sunday, January 19th, at noon Pacific time.  The lottery will close on January 20th at the same time and then he will notify those lucky folks if they won a chance to purchase one.  View all the pertinent details by going to http://paulkaiju.com/.

Metal Mockbats and Anniversary Edition Luftkaisers from Paul Kaiju x Toy Art Gallery

    You wanna know what is frightening?  A House Centipede.  For those of you who were ignorant to their existence as I once was, this is what they look like:

    Our cat Icarus found on of these in the basement the other day and went nuts.  I had never seen one before and was pretty sure that this thing would crawl into my ear and eat my brain.  Turns out they don't do that, but I wasn't willing to take that chance.  So I caught him in a shoe box, took him outside, and put him on our neighbor's porch with the hopes that he would then go in his house and lay eggs in his skull.  That's what he gets for making it seem like someone is having an exorcism every time his really dumpy girlfriend spends the night.  

    Back to business.  I have no idea why I told you that story, except that if I were to go into the basement and see something flying around that looked like Paul Kaiju's Luftkaiser, I would be equally as worried.  He's not down there waiting for a a stray spider to cross his path, he wants the sweet meat. This is the Anniversary Edition made to celebrate Toy Art Gallery's fourth year in existence.  And they're only $45.  It's their birthday and we get the presents?  These are the best kind of friends to have.

    They're also debuting these new metal Mockbats from Paul Kaiju.  They have magnets in their joints so you can pose em however you want and their stomach flips down to show you their guts/make it easier for c-sections.  They come in three different colors and each one retails for $135.  All that you see here (except for the house centipede) will be available for sale tomorrow, Friday September 20th, at noon Pacific time.  

http://www.toyartgallery.com/

Toy Art Gallery 4th Anniversary Custom Show featuring Paul Kaiju's Pollen Kaiser

    Toy Art Gallery has got to be one of the coolest places on Earth.  If you're into designer toys, it's like visiting the Great Pyramid, but without the risk of getting killed during political turmoil.  To celebrate their fourth anniversary, they sent out a bunch of Paul Kaiju's Pollen Kaiser figures for artists to customize.  The results are pretty sick and you can check out my favorite ones if you scroll down farther.  The opening reception for the show is tomorrow night from 7-10pm and the show will be on display through October 13th.

Plaseebo

Carson Catlin

Josh Mayhem

Kenth Toy Works

Red Pollen Kaiser from Paul Kaiju x Toy Art Gallery

     This is one of those toys that I haven't been able to buy yet but I really want.  He looks like he would oversee slaves working in a salt mine, which is my preferred aesthetic for toys.  This is of course the mighty Pollen Kaiser from Paul Kaiju and he will be available in this fancy new red paint job tomorrow, August 30th, beginning at noon Pacific time from Toy Art Gallery.  

New Minions from Skinner x Paul Kaiju x Lulubell Toy Bodega

    When I am sleeping and my cat Icarus decides he wants attention, he will sit on my nightstand and poke me in the arm.  Evidently this was not effective the other night, because I woke up in a panic after he put his entire paw in my mouth.  He was seriously elbow deep and it startled the crap out of me.  It was four in the morning and since I wasn't going to be sleeping again any time soon I got up to use the bathroom.  Everything in that department is going fine, that is until I look in the bathtub.  For those of you that don't know, Icarus has a habit of eating just about anything, especially if it's gross.  There, in the bathtub, was clear evidence that he had been fishing in the drain.

 With his paws.

That were just in my mouth.

     I've only had my mouth washed out with soap once, and that was after I cursed at my mom when I was five.  And she had the decency to not use liquid soap.  But it's what I had, so I made do.  I leaned my head back and pumped it straight in like I was a college kid downing a can of spray cheese.  It took some time to wash it all back out, but I felt it was worth it to prevent my death from whatever evil had been brewing in that tub drain.

    I'm sure I missed a few germs, and I picture them to look kinda like these guys, throwing a rager in my belly that would make Andrew WK blush.  These guys were made by Skinner and Paul Kaiju and are available exclusively from Lulubell Toy Bodega.  For $55 you get em both, which is a deal because I have to buy more soap.  Pick em up tomorrow, August 30th at 11am Pacific time from http://www.lulubelltoys.com/.