Thursday, November 19, 2015

The Soon-To-Be Classic Tale of the Christmas Parasite

   Christmas is a day that people spend all year looking forward to.  They are eager to spend time with family, give and receive presents, and stuff themselves full of delicious food.  This year, the presents aspect has me a little nervous every after my wife shared with me her recommended items from Etsy.

   Sharon and I both get a kick out of surprising the other with our gift buying abilities.  She is by far better at it than anyone I know, and she seems impressed by my Rain Man like ability to remember the most random things that she mentions she likes.  The website Etsy has in the past few years become a hub for us when we're in the market for vintage items and it seems this year she has used it almost exclusively.  Based on the items she purchased the website has used some algarithm to determine a host of other objects she might be interested in.  This is where things have gone completely off the rails.  I present to you dear reader, the number one item recommended based on her purchasing habits:

Having "bath salts" as part of their shop name is just a tad sketchy and probably cause for investigation by the proper authorities.

    Now, let's start with the part that is humorous for me and that being that Sharon is terrified of leeches.  She finds them to be a horrific amalgam of two of God's most heinous creatures (that don't have the surname Kardashian): the tick and the slug.  The fact that I'm still married after finding one in a river and showing it to her is more a testament to her realizing she could always use it against me than her ability to forgive.  And I probably shouldn't have laughed when she showed me it was her top pick from Etsy, because that brought up the second part of all of this, which is a bit more worrisome for me.

    What in the hell did she get me for Christmas?  I can't even fathom what items you would have to buy in order for a website to recommend a leech in a jar as the obvious next play in your gift giving.  I can't imagine a nice pair of socks or an artisinal toothpick set would lead to such madness, so the possibilities are both endless and troubling.  Though holiday pictures will probably be the most interesting ones to date, which would be a perfect time to shamelessly plug my Instagram where everything will unfold in almost real time.  But don't think the leech was the only recommended item, cause that would be horrible for business.  So gaze upon the rest of the stuff that obviously my wife would want to own because they would look really good next to the bag of tapeworms or whatever it is that is currently hidden from my prying eyes somewhere in this house.


No comments:

Post a Comment