Tuesday, February 9, 2016

"Titanium Edition" Iron Monster from Guumon x Miscreation Toys

    How on earth do you make a freaky looking toy that was born in a burning oil drum filled with nightmares look so dang...pretty?  Guumon applied some serious paint wizardry to these Iron Monsters from Miscreation Toys that almost makes you forget that they look like they want to choke you out.  Instead you are mesmerized by the metallic colors as they dance before you; hiding the great evil underneath.  Or something, I've been dramatic since they upped my meds.  

    These dudes are being released this Friday, February 12th at 7pm pst only at http://autopsybabies.bigcartel.com.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Heavy Metal Wookie from Lisa Rae Hansen

    SPOILER ALERT:   Due to a terrible occurrence in the latest, Chewbacca was faced with a sudden influx of time on his furry hands.  He could have pressed them to his face as a receptacle for his tears, but instead he learned to form a power chord with them and formed the galaxy's most brutal metal band called Bantha Skull.  They'll melt your face off then punch you in your newly exposed skull, which is gonna hurt you way worse than them.  

    Lisa Rae Hanson is the lady behind this genius resin toy and she wants to send them all out on tour this Friday, February 12th, at noon GMT.  Only 5 of each color will be available and the only way place to get them will be at http://ibreaktoys.storenvy.com.  At only $45 each they won't last long, so pray to Dio that you are lucky enough to snag one.  

Friday, February 5, 2016

Life-size Armored Batman Statue from Hot Toys x Sideshow Collectibles

    Not that long ago I had an incident that made me think about home security.  Like any good man looking to protect his homestead I began to weigh my options.  I thought about obtaining a firearm, or installing a home security system, or even going completely medieval by putting a few severed heads on spikes.  There's nothing quite like a few rotting heads of your enemies to let potential troublemakers know how you play ball.  

    But nothing felt like me (except the severed head thing) and then I saw this.  Standing at over 7 feet tall, this life sized Armored Batman from Hot Toys and Sideshow Collectibles just screams home security.  All I'd have to do is push him in front of my door at night to send would-be burglars running back from whence they came.  Now, hiring Batman as permanent protection for your domicile doesn't come cheap, not should it.  He'll set you back $7999.99, but never you worry because they offer a payment plan.  Check out the details by visiting http://www.sideshowtoy.com/.

The Abominable Snowman Gnaw-X from Plaseebo

    I'm gonna skip my usual circus routine because this figure is available right now.  Right now as in you could still buy a Plaseebo original before someone else snatches it up.  Go go go to http://www.plaseebo.net/news/.  You want a story to tie it all together?  Fine, its snowing outside where I live right now and this is The Abominable Snowman Gnaw-X so its pretty much fate that you go and get it.  

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Amanda Visell's "Scaredy Labbit" from Kidrobot

    Oh, Lord help me, cause I can feel my money leaving my wallet the longer I look at these.  Some phantom hand has reached in and lifted my credit cards from their place of rest and is attempting to type all of their digits into various websites, ordering the fine Labbits you see before you.  I am but a man; too weak to resist such temptations when laid before me.  

    Kidrobot knows I love Labbits.  Frank Kozik knows I love Labbits (it's detailed on the restraining order). Amanda Visell may or may not know that I love her work.  Now all three of them have colluded to create this amazing hunk of plastic in not one but two different versions!!!!!!!!  The dark blue version you see above can be had as we speak from your favorite toy retailer, while the light blue one you see below will be an exclusive to www.kidrobot.com sometime this month.

    But this Labbit not only looks good; it also answers one of those really important questions that is never covered in a public school education:  what happens when you eat a ghost?  Is there any nutritional value to digesting a spectre?  Can you expect a night full of indigestion after swallowing a poltergeist?  Behold, the answer:

    Ghosts are just like corn!!!!!!  So don't bother eating them, because like their vegetable cousin they come out just the same as they go in.  You won't learn stuff like this on TMZ.  

Skull Toys x Unbox Industries "Visible Man" Preorder

    Every now and then being the heavyweight champion of toy bloggery has its perks.  And no, I don't have some trophy on my mantel proclaiming me that because I wouldn't want a trophy; I'd want a title belt.  A full blown WWE belt would work just fine and I would wear that sucker with pride everywhere I went.  So when that becomes a thing I will graciously accept it, but until then you can just imagine it the same as I do.  Now back to my story.

    So being the Stone Cold of the online toy world means that every once in a while I get to do something cool, like handle a toy prototype in its infancy.  It was about two years ago that I met Dan from Unbox Industries and I held this very toy in my very hands.  They were still working out the squishy skin that covers the vinyl underneath and after much research and pain and suffering you will finally be able to order this beauty.  Designed by Skull Toys in homage to the Visible Man character from 2000 AD you can preorder this 30 cm tall freak show beginning this Saturday, February 6th at http://store.unboxindustries.info.  

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

I'm Tired of Shoveling Snow so I'm Reviewing Some New Plush Labbits from Frank Kozik x Kidrobot

    You may or may not be aware, but it snowed a butt ton where I live a few weeks ago.  Snow literally ceases to be an exciting thing the moment you get a job and responsibilities, because unlike when you're a child, most of the time a little frozen precipitation is no reason to slow the world of commerce.  Once we got over two feet of snow and the person I worked for didn't care that I sent her a picture of my car covered in a snow drift, she only wanted to know if I'd be able to make it to open on time.  My car was buried more securely than King Tut and she just wanted to make sure I was willing to risk my life in case some random idiot braved the storm to buy a T-shirt.  Thankfully I know longer work for such an unreasonable company and spent the storm safe at home where periodically I would pray not to have a heart attack while shoveling my car out.

    Being out in the snow made me think of soft things, like these new plush Labbits from Frank Kozik and Kidrobot.  It also made me think of frostbite and Civil War style amputations, but let's just focus on the fuzzy bunnies.  (I also don't currently own any toys inspired by archaic surgical techniques, but I'm open to it).

    These dudes have obviously been the product of some interesting love connections going on in the animal kingdom.  Now, I can kinda see a Dalmatian and a bunny getting a little tipsy and spending some time together, but the giraffe thing is beyond all comprehension.  There are particulars of that coupling that boggle the mind and yet here we have proof of it.  Science doesn't lie, folks.  

     Labbits, as it oddly turns out, are about as interested in helping with freeing your automobile from an icy prison as they are with discussing the complexities of their gene pools,  and being that my heart felt like it was going to explode I decided to return inside and take my bunny companions with me.  

    Look at how lovely they look in their more natural, leisurely habitat.  You may recognize this little gathering of books on top of my dresser from other toys reviews or Instagram posts.  Not only does it make me look studious to have them, but if you're able to see the titles it further pushes my status as an international man of mystery.  We have books from comedians and noted authors and even graphic novels working hard as mere background fodder, but are they doing more?  Is there a secret message hidden within their spines that reveals something more about your humble narrator?  Actually, there's not.  My wife just happened to put them up there one day because our bookcases are beyond capacity and the lighting in my house it not that great but things look kinda nice here and I was hoping you thought I was smart.  Love me, damnit!!!!!!

    I love plush Labbits cause they're not wimpy plush like you get at a regular toy store.  These things are soft but they're also firm as hell, which I think describes my authentic personal brand.  And I wish it described my pillow.  Do you realize how hard it is to find a pillow that is as firm as a Labbit plush?  These things have spoiled me because I can't find a pillow that would be nearly as comfortable as sleeping on one of these.  Now I'm gonna need Kidrobot to make flat ones with the exact same material inside so I can finally get a good nights rest and start to make sense to the people around me.    The above picture was taken inside my bedroom on what I refer to as the landing pad for my cat Daenerys.  She likes to jump from the bed and skid across this table in order to get into the window, which is ok because it is shorter than the window and therefore prevents her from just sliding right through the glass and into the open air.  My therapist would be proud of me for opening up like this to you all.

    These soft little critters are available right now from www.kidrobot.com or wherever you like to buy your designer toys.  Get a whole pile of them and lay naked right in the middle and I'm pretty sure the meaning of life will hit you like a right hook.  Or your wife will come home early from work that day and you will never be able to buy her enough shoes to get her to stop making fun of you for it.  Either way.