Hold On To Your Britches Cause I'm Reviewing The Stache Labbits from Frank Kozik x Kidrobot

      Moustaches are tricky.  Depending on the style and the shape they can mean so many different things.  Sometimes they mean that you may drive a sketchy van and just happen to lose your puppy whenever you're near a grade school.  They could mean that you're a trying to get the start up money to fund your artisanal vegan corn dog restaurant.   The moustache is the mixed signal of the facial hair world and it's time we push aside all the negativity it could convey and let it shine like the beacon of manhood it once was.  So before we continue on with this review I'd like to take a moment to reflect on some important moustaches that really should set the tone for how all you bros out there choose to man up going forward:

Burt Reynolds

Yosemite Sam

The Iron Sheik

Lando Calrissian 

Vlad the Impaler

     Now that the follicles on your lip have some folks to look up too, lets get down to Labbit business.  Frank Kozik and Kidrobot released these 10 inch Stache Labbits at the end of last year and boy are they pretty (in a strict manly sort of way of course). Each one features a high gloss finish that will force you to not take pictures of them while only wearing your underpants in case you ever want to run for public office.  

The things his high gloss finish has seen would break a lesser being.

    Of course the main feature of each is a moustache that is both full and unapologetically luscious.  This is what every man dreamed of as his teenage self tried desperately to cultivate the few weed-like hairs that sprouted on his upper lip.  No matter how many adults berated him with the old wive's tale of shaving to make the hair grow in thicker, he only focused of making his wispy little crumb brush the greatest chick magnet it could be.  Some of us, such as myself, were successful in our endeavors and have enjoyed the life that our moustaches have afforded us.  Others, like the sad fellow you see pictured below, live as a basement dwelling Gollum, responding to personal ads on Craigslist while needlessly combing the almost barren landscape beneath their nose.  

   I feel a nun should be following him through the streets yelling "shame" as he is being whipped.  Also, this may or may not be Justin Bieber.

    Having these Labbits in the house has already upped the previously high testosterone levels to unprecedented heights.  Right out of the box this one proceeded outside to berate me on the inefficiency of our heating and cooling unit and demanded we make a trip to Home Depot so he could gather the necessary tools to rebuild it:

We're gonna get this thing pumping air cold enough to store sides of beef in your living room.

    Then this bro went out looking for buffalo that we could turn into sides of beef and store in the living room:

    There is a distinct lack of buffalo in this place you call "New Jersey".  

    Look how good they look outside.  Maybe I can get a meeting with Kidrobot and we can work on a whole lawn decoration line to replace those creepy gnomes that everyone always buys.  Not that I don't like the creepy gnomes a little, but I want something standing guard over my tomatoes that represents me and not what the evil gardening conglomerates shove down my throat.  I don't need your whole Illuminati Powerball cause I'm gonna get rich the old fashioned way: by making stuff to confuse my neighbors.  

    I got a little off track there, as I sometimes do when genius strikes.  You know you want to have more Labbits in your house, cause duh why wouldn't you?  All of this has just furthered your conviction that there's been a void that can only be filled by the manliest of man bunnies.  It's ok, because that very realization is the first step on your way to enlightenment, or something.  The second step is welcoming these follicly-superior beings into your home today by visiting www.kidrobot.com or checking out your favorite places to buy designer toys.  They can be the father figure you've so desperately needed all these years.  

    

R.I.P. David Bowie

"Buttercream" Mockbat Lottery from Paul Kaiju

    My wife and I bucked all sorts of traditions when we got married.  For starters we did it at a Philadelphia Flyers game in one of those fancy luxury suites rather than a church so we had no problem ignoring one of the more baffling things a couple can do, which is save part of their wedding cake to eat a year later.  I can think of much better ways to celebrate your anniversary than eating some stank old freezer burned confections.  But I do have an aversion to freezing food anyway, cause my mom used to freeze EVERYTHING.  Loaves of bread, snack cakes; if it was deemed edible it was deemed freezable.  There's not too many things in life worse than eating a sandwich with half thawed bread.

    This new Mockbat from Paul Kaiju is certified fresh indeed!  In fact, its down right pretty and looks delicious.  The only way you can own one is by entering the lottery when it goes live this Sunday at 6pm pacific time on www.paulkaiju.com.  All the details can be found there, while I can be found at the grocery store raiding their bakery.

"It's a F.A.D." 8 Inch Dunny Signing and Release Party with J*Ryu

    I love this Dunny from J*Ryu for many different reasons.  For one, it's a Dunny and I'm kinda partial to these make-believe critters.  And for two, it pretty much matches my authentic personal brand.  This is the most versatile Dunny ever created when it comes to enhancing how Sharon and I decorate our home.  It's ornate, it looks vintage, and it's a toy.  It could be a piece of architectural salvage from a French house of ill repute or it could be a haunted artifact inhabited by the vengeful spirit of some ancient Japanese demon.  Either way, that pretty much sums up our home design philosophy.

    This thing is gorgeous in every version I've seen of it and now he's been shrunken down to a more manageable 8 inch size.  There's even a chance you might get a 1 out of 4 chase piece in beautiful pewter.  Either way they both come with a removable vinyl key that fits in its chest, which makes your options for displaying it that much more dynamic.  This Friday you'll not only be able to get your figure early; you can also get it signed by the artist himself during a release party at Kidrobot San Francisco.  All the details you need are in the picture you see there, including the promise of a very specific type of gift with purchase.  Wait a second, I think I finally understand what the F.A.D. stands for.  This is like the time I realized that Guns and Rose song "Mr. Brownstone" wasn't about some creepy old dude that lived next door to Axl.

Translucent Grey Hawgmaw Blanks from Missmonster

 

    I'm not one for resolutions, be it the new year or not, but I was looking forward to my day off to get back into painting some toys I've had laying around forever.  Until I had to go to work cause everyone has death sickness cause they swear flu shots don't work yet here I am, antibodies filling my nooks and crannies, and not the least bit sick.  Which didn't really turn out great for me, because like I mentioned before I had to go into work.  So in reality that flu shot totally screwed my plans for the day and the kicker for that is my insurance didn't even cover it.

    If you are unlike me and actually able to utilize your days off them you should paint toys and allow the rest of us to live vicariously through you. And you can start with this amazing figure by Missmonster called Hawgmaw.  This dude is 7 inches tall, is detailed out the booty, and is ready for you to let your creativity run wild.  Or just leave it blank and appreciate him as he is.  Or just do whatever cause I'm not your life coach and if I was you'd owe me a lot of back pay.  I'll have my secretary tally up the bill.

Get your Hawgmaw on at http://missmonster.myshopify.com.

"Sinister Sandstorm" Alien from Super7

    Did you stay up late last night, drink yourself silly, and watch the ball in Times Square drop as it ushered in the new year?  I can't say that I made it past 10:30 as I dozed off while watching Netflix.  I celebrated the end of 2015 like a boss!  And I refuse to celebrate the beginning of 2016 just yet, cause what if it sucks and I already was really awesome to it then I'll feel like I've been had?  You're not tricking me 2016, I'll celebrate you when you prove yourself!

    If you've been collecting these Alien soft vinyl figures from Super7 then 2016 is off to a great start for you, cause they just released this Sinister Sandstorm version.  Pick one up for yourself at www.super7store.com and set the tone for how this year is gonna go.

Odin's Film Corner: The Death of Superman Lives

    I've been wanting to see The Death of Superman Lives since before it was made.  See, the film is about that aborted attempt to make Nicholas Cage the Caped Crusader and you know there had to be some fascinating stories that just begged to be told.  Then one day I'm on my little Google machine and I come across this documentary and it was quickly added to my must watch list, which is like my Netflix cue but completely in my head and most of the time forgotten about due to various blows to the skull as a young lad.  On to the movie.

    The film that never happened was being pushed through a twisty perilous birth canal by a man we'll call Douche Magee.  He was evidently a hair dresser who made a pact with a three eyed witch, got some cash, and made some movies you've seen.  He's also the type of person anyone with a thread of creativity really really hates.  He has a lot of money, which translates to a lot of power, which translates to many ideas being vomited from his mouth that he thinks are brilliant but have all the value of owl pellets.  He's got to be the guy behind all the remakes Hollywood is for some reason obsessed with making.  There's no other explanation unless the actual devil from actual Hell is finally calling in all those favors promised him.  I'd watch that if someone would make it.

      Kevin Smith, who wrote the first draft of the never to be Superman film, really wants to talk smack on the guy, you can tell because his hockey jersey is literally bursting with jokes.  Normally I wouldn't trust someone's opinion whose laundry day resembles that of the Detroit Red Wings, but Douche Magee kept getting less and less respectable as the documentary went on.  Maybe Kevin Smith held back cause he was worried that a phone call could be made and it would derail his career, or maybe because Mr. Magee also loves to street fight.

Literally.

Some 500 times, apparently.

    The real story was not this guy though, or even that Nicholas Cage and Tim Burton having conversations is one of those few times in my life where I questioned if English was really my first language.  The real story was that I'll never understand how anything actually gets made in Hollywood.  This documentary, possible without intending to do so, makes film making a painful looking process.  You have some cool ideas by really creative people being dumbed down until they're completely unrecognizable and beyond rational comprehension.  Then after they spend millions of dollars trying to figure out how to get a giant spider involved it the whole thing they just decide that "ya know, we're gotta put all our effort in this Will Smith sci-fi western to save us from certain financial ruin."  This type of decision making is exactly why I won't let my cats open that massage parlor they're always talking about, no matter how many times they swear to keep it "totes legit."

    The documentary is fascinating though and the folks behind it did a great job putting it all together as I was utterly enthralled by things other than Nicholas Cage's hair.  I'm a sucker for anything that gives me a behind the scenes look at jobs I probably will never have.  But what really struck me, and trust me how shocked I am to be saying this, is I really think the Superman film could have been good.  That particular character has never really interested me in the same way that Batman does because he feels so one sided.  He's a puritan as Clark Kent and he's a puritan when he's saving bus loads of children in peril.  There's never any real emotional conflict that despite all he does to help humanity, he can never truly be human.  He's not terribly bothered by being the last of his kind and we're not terribly bothered that he might snap one day and turn on us.  From watching the documentary we learn that Tim Burton wanted to add that dimension to the character and that would have really upped my interest level.

    So in closing, you should watch The Death of Superman Lives cause I liked it and my taste has proven to be rather stellar over the years.  I guess I could have just opened with that and saved myself a lot of time.