It's Monday. About 11am in the morning. The doorbell rings, followed immediately by a forceful knock. I am watching tv in my underwear. Then the debate in my head starts. Do I answer the door and act like everything is totally cool, or do I say "hang on a second", run upstairs, and put on whatever clothes I can find? I option for the latter, just in case it's kids raising money for school or something. That's the last thing I need to start off my week. I get my pants on and I open the door to find the crankiest mail man I have ever met. He was walking off, mumbling to himself about how he "doesn't know where the hell everyone is today to sign for these damn boxes". I thought to myself how grateful he should be that I didn't answer the door with my bingo hanging out.
Fast forward a bit and I'm tearing this sucker open. The return address was in Hong Kong and the customs papers said their were toys inside and being that I haven't ordered anything in awhile I was most curious. Behold, even though some of ye be unworthy, the mighty treasure that the gods bestowed upon me:
It's Bullet Belt from Skinner
x Unbox Industries
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (yes, every one of those exclamation points was grammatically correct). This is an unpainted flesh version that is reminiscent of the classic M.U.S.C.L.E figures and this sucker is huuuuuuuuge (again, grammatically correct, look it up). They say he's 10 inches tall, and I don't have a ruler to use in dispute of that, but I wish I did cause I think he's bigger. You wanna know how big? This is him standing next to a full grown tiger:
Pretty massive right? But on a serious note, this guy is 100% amazing. I've wanted one since the first images of him popped up online, but no mere picture can do it justice. The sculpt is insanely detailed and the figure is made so well I couldn't even find mold lines. Not only that but since it's not painted you can't hide any flaws, which doesn't matter cause they're aren't any. He's also articulated at the shoulders, wrists, and neck, so you can pose him however you want to make him look even more menacing (if that's possible). But you gotta watch him, cause he's as smooth as he is tough, so much so that I think he stole my wife:
What a slick willy!!! I can't even be mad at him though. Mostly because he scares me. He even came with a mini version of himself for back up:
How do they make a small one that looks exactly like the big one? Lasers and computers? I have a computer and the best thing I've ever been able to do is read TMZ. I've certainly never shrunk anything. I think that dude at Best Buy ripped me off. This little guy is the perfect size to fit into the rest of the Triclops
B.A.S.T.A.R.D. universe for real wrasslin action!
The preorders for the first painted version of this behemoth have come and gone, but don't think that will be your only chance to get one. This sucker is too awesome to be released once and never heard from again. There will be more and I will tell you all about them as soon as I know. But in the mean time you need to do a few things to prepare yourself to welcome a toy this brutal into your life, so I prepared a handy list to help you survive the moment you open the box:
1.) Eat lots of red meat. You're gonna need to build up your iron.
2.) Only listen to the blackest metal you can find. Your mind needs to be shaped by tales of dark magic and evil spirits so you can withstand his penetrating gaze.
3.) Get a prison tattoo. You don't actually have to go to prison for it, but bonus points if you do.
4.) Stop shaving your beards. Ladies, you can ignore this one.
These are mere suggestions mind you and not a complete list, as Bullet Belt is the baddest toy I've ever encountered and will be sure to change up his menacing ways to more effectively bring fear into your heart. But you should buy one anyway and make the rest of your toys look like sissies.
This has been verified by The Library of Congress as the best toy review you have ever read.