Last week, during a marathon of Monsters Inside Me, my wife comes home and said that friends of ours were at Best Buy trying to capture a kitten. The little guy was out there all alone and scared, so of course I was willing to catch up on my favorite tv show about parasites another time. We spent a few hours out there the first night and were unable to capture the cat. The next day she spends most of the day out there with traps and some sort of horrible smelling seafood medley and I joined her as soon as I got off from work. The cat had moved from the relatively cleanliness of the bushes just outside of the front entrance and had taken up residence in a swampy retention pond that was tree lined and over grown. By playing kitten sounds on our cell phones we were able to coax him out of his hiding place and into one of the traps for a much needed meal. Foolishly we thought this was the end of the ordeal, that is until the kitten stood on the trigger for the trap and nothing happened. The little bugger wasn't heavy enough to set it off. After completing his meal he crawled back into the underbrush which was a little too close to a busy street, so there I go into the thick of things trying to drive it back out towards everyone else. I'm sweating, covered in dirt, and then I spot a giant hole, running almost parallel to the ground. I couldn't see inside of it so I grab one of the reeds that are growing from the primordial ooze nearby in an effort to gently see if he is in the hole when the damn thing slices my finger open. This filthy plant that is thriving in the water from the Devil's urinal has cut me open and shared whatever yuck it was harboring with my blood stream. Having just watched hours worth of parasitic creatures that nearly killed people under similar circumstances I am internally freaking out. The picture above is what I imagine is feasting on my bone marrow as I type.
This feisty bugger is called Muckoid and he is part of The Trash Bag Bunch XL line from Last Resort Toys
. Every time I see the name Last Resort Toys
I want to sing that Papa Roach song, but only the intro because my name is not Kyle and my shenanigans are not fueled by Monster energy drink. The rest of the song is not funny anyway.
If this figure is giving you wacky flashbacks from your childhood you should probably first make sure you're not on drugs. Just kidding, as this guy was actually part of The Trash Bag Bunch series from the 1990's, which is without question my favorite time musically. Imagine having a whole load of the little vintage figures and surrounding this bad boy with them to make a killer display? Go on, imagine it!!!!!!
As far as toys go from that time period I sadly invested my money in Starting Lineup figures, which depreciated faster than a chicken sandwich left in a car that is subsequently parked at the airport for a week. Nothing says welcome home from a long flight quite like discovering why a gang of buzzards is trying to smash your windshield.
As soon as you turn around I'm going to pee on this.
The first thing one notices about this figure is that it is massive. It's 7 and a half inches tall and probably just as wide. It's got more booty than an Instagram model and enough rows of teeth to make a great white shark envious. And what are those claws for? Being that he has only one on each arm I'm guessing it's not so he can pitch for the Yankees. And his mouth not only exposes those aforementioned teeth and suspiciously textured forked tongue, but it doubles as a holding place for my janitor sized bundle of keys. How many of your other toys can claim they're actually earning the shelf space they require?
No I don't know what half of them are for but I'm terrified to get rid of any.
He is articulated at both arms and at all four of his eyes, allowing for you to pose him in a few different ways, all of which are menacing. My favorite pose involves him being a meth-induced apparition ala Dickens's "A Christmas Carol" that visits a boy named Kyle who passes out in a dumpster behind a Papa Roach concert and then goes on to become the man that reverses global warming. Read that one to your kids this Christmas, ya communists!!!!!!
This color is an exclusive to Tenacious Toys
and can only be purchased by visiting www.tenacioustoys.com
. Don't get your mom to drive you out to the 5 and Dime looking for one cause context clues are hard. Tenacious Toys
has the lock on any blue toy that's worth owning. It's kinda their thing. Did you also know that Tenacious Toys
has ways you can pay for your purchases that I've never even heard of? I was looking at their website today and I had to Google some of them to find out what they were. All kinds of crypto currencies that I had no idea existed. But again, I thought my Starting Lineup collection was gonna pay for college, so I guess I shouldn't expect to know about high finance.