Mini Draculobsters from Draculazer x Gums Productions

 

     Did you think Draculobsters just popped out of their egg sacs and were all of a sudden fully grown?  That's silly, cause like you they also have to experience the pitfalls of child hood.  They have to go to evil crustacean mutant school, they have to learn not top drag their victim's remains all over the just vacuumed carpet, and they have to experience the painful awkwardness that sea monster puberty brings with it.  Love is not always pretty, my friends, as anyone who has come upon one of these things while it is in the throes of hormonal confusion can attest to.

    I myself am a fan of this little guy, which is why I already bought the green one from Draculazer himself.  Now is your chance to get one or al of them courtesy of the folks that produced em at Gums Productions.  You can pick from one or you can buy the whole set, which is the only way you can get the ultra stealth clear edition.  It's on the very right hand side of the picture in case his camouflage was throwing off your cones and rods.  Get an instant collection of trouble makers by visiting https://shop.gumsproductions.com/.

Blank Green Serpentoid from Michael Skattum x Gums Productions

    This is precisely why you don't go digging up ancient graves.  You think you're going to unlock the mystery of how a long past culture lived.  That with each shovel full of dirt you're inches closer to a  mostly boring special on the History Channel (American Ripper was a letdown and after reading an article describing the exhumation of H. H. Holmes from a person who was there, a complete farce.  Here's the link for anyone that watched the finale.).  Instead, you just create a pathway to freedom for some dude like this, who will then infect human kind with his snake juice and turn us all into reptilian slave people.  Thanks a lot, bub.

    Michael Skattum and Gums Productions are back at their crazy figure shenanigans with the debut of Serpentoid!  This 8 inch tall figure features two points of articulation located right at those ape-like fore limbs and is scarier than anything Brendan Frasier faced in those Mummy movies.  You can get one right now for $65 (which includes world wide shipping) by checking out http://www.michaelskattum.com.  

     

Blue Draculobster from Michael Skattum

       I was totally gonna write about this season of Game of Thrones but I don't want to be the dude that spoils it for those that haven't watched any episodes yet.  I'd be pretty heated if someone ruined it for me so I'll refrain from wondering too much about how slowly the army of the dead is moving in their attempt to get beyond the wall.  It's not like a kid who doesn't have the use of his legs totally got to where he was going and had time to rest up and spit prophesies.  I bet the undead formed a union and now they have to take regularly scheduled breaks.  Or maybe their bladders have all shriveled and they have to stop to pee constantly like that one time at New York Comic Con where I was trying to pass a kidney stone and I had to go every 10 minutes.  If you're ever peeing blood the most awesome thing you can do is not flush the toilet so the guy after you has something fun to talk about with his friends.        

    This Blue Draculobster from Michael Skattum (aka Draculazer) and Gums Productions totally reminds me of one of those White Walkers.  Except for the lobster claw and his utter disregard for clothing.  You can bring this ten inch vinyl toy home today for only $85 which includes shipping from Honk Kong, which is where giant lobster people live.  Snag one at http://www.michaelskattum.com before they sell out.


     

Alien Lazer: Gums Version from Michael Skattum x Gums Productions

    Sharon and I have been marathoning the Alien series of films the past few days and we finished last night with Alien: Resurrection which I wouldn't call a high note in the franchise.  Sure, you might have gotten some of the best looks at the creatures themselves, but there was so much weird dialogue and Sigourney Weaver playing basketball, that it just made it uncomfortable.  You're seriously rooting for the aliens to just decimate all of them and Earth because that's were all the lameness started.  And what was with the weird alien/human hybrid at the end, who I named Skin Tag, becoming the third out of four aliens to die by being sucked into space.  Granted the hole he was pulled through was much smaller and sent him out in bits, but after the basketball scene I was expecting Ripley to put some WWE moves on him to end his day.  Hindsight is 20/20, and Joss Whedon wrote the thing so what do I know.

    There's no way that Alien Lazer would take a loss against a rag tag bunch of space idiots.  nope, this figure is the real deal and I know because I bought one from Michael Skattum at Five Points Fest and I love it.  And this thing is way bigger than I expected, because even though something online tells you how tall it is I have no ability to comprehend that in real life terms.  This green version is an exclusive to Gums Productions, who are the folks that produced this monster (and did a great job at that, those seams are tight) and will be available for purchase on June 5th.  You need this and you can get it only from shop.gumsproductions.com.  

    

Draculobster and Alien Lazer from Michael Skattum

    I'm not a beach person.  I enjoy the boardwalk and the carnival games and the really bad food, but you won't find me baking myself on the sand or frolicking in the surf.  People are surprised to hear that being that I live so close to the Jersey Shore, but there's plenty of other activities in Southern New Jersey besides just the beach.  There's throwing old food near groups of people and watching the seagulls attack, there's road rage, and there's days spent hunting for the mines that Zoolander claimed were here.  See, my plate is full.  

    Not being at the beach also gives me a head start when these dudes emerge from the waves to lay waste on humanity.  I've been telling you it's gonna happen for years yet everyone is worried about zombies because that's what they want.  They perpetuated the zombie nonsense with their incredible marketing skills to lure you into a place of comfort.  The sharks have been trying to warn us too, but you don't listen, as their attacks are quickly forgotten.  Let's move on.  

    These vinyl Draculobster and Alien Lazer figures from Michael Skattum and will in no way have the fishy smell that their real life counterparts will bring with them from the bottom of the ocean.  Each figure is available right now for $85 each or get a bundle deal on both for $150.  Oh, and those prices include free shipping all the way from China.  Snag em at http://michaelskattum.bigcartel.com.