Breaking Down the 2013 Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gifts

    Ahhhh it’s that time of year again, where we stress ourselves out to find that perfect present for the ones we love.  What’s that you say?  You haven’t finished your shopping yet?  Well, if you’re in the highest of tax brackets, Neiman Marcus has taken all of the worry out of holiday shopping with their annual Christmas Book.  If you’re not wealthy enough to afford any of this, please join me in figuring out how to weasel our way into Warren Buffet’s will. 

“His and Her’s” Ultimate Outdoor Entertainment System  $1.5 million

    I grew up down south, so I totally get the whole concept of having your nicest furniture out on the lawn.  I also am familiar with watching tv outside, but that wasn’t because we were ultra fancy and throwing garden parties while we watched The Bad Girls Club.  It was because that’s as far as the extension cord would stretch from the neigbor’s outlet.  Sure, we would have liked to have been all cozy in the living room, but when you have to steal your electricity you learn to work around your limitations.  

Bespoke Global Falconry Companion  $150,000

    I don’t get falconry.  Ok, I don’t really even know what it is.  Sure, I could have looked it up, but I might find out I like it and that would make it harder to make fun of.  Stop judging me.

    From what I gather about falconry, you some how obtain a falcon by putting your arm out and then you put a little hat on it to shame him.  This is how rich people pass the time while they talk about rich things like stock portfolios and indoor plumbing.  Basically you get all of the things you see in the picture, except for the girl and the actual falcons.  So do you just set this up in your backyard and wait for the falcons to see it and realize that you know how to party?   Or maybe it comes with a coupon and you have to send away for your falcons like you do sea monkeys.  Maybe they’re all just dude falcons and are attracted by the scent of blonde models.  For this much money I shouldn’t be left with so many questions.  Let’s move on.

Ciclotte $11,000

    Oh, it looks like we’ve reached the clearance section.  I’d be totally down with this giant bicycle wheel if it could actually go somewhere.   Craigslist is full of information on how you can obtain exercise bikes from the side of the road for free, so this sucker needs to be much more compelling if they want my $11,000.  It doesn’t even come with one of those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” necklaces that you’re gonna need when you start using this in ways that were unattended, i.e. ways that would actually make it fun.

Forevermark  Ultimate Diamond Experience  $1.85 million

   Yeah, you get a fancy diamond ring that they cut for you all custom like, but the part I was excited about was having dinner in The Tower of London.  I say “was” because in my head the dinner was gonna take place on the block where they seperated Ann Boleyn from her head.  Then I found out that they actually have cafes all throughout the place, taking away any charm that could have been had from eating my chicken nuggets at the site of famous executions.   Jerks.

The Glass House Experience  $30,000

    Ahh, another gift for those of us on a budget.  The gist is you get to hang out with some famous architect.  Lame.  They should let you hang out with the Hell’s Angels and let you get in a bar fight.  Then afterwards you’ll get a prison style tattoo and shank your worst enemy with a homemade knife.  That is by far more exciting than sitting in some dude’s house that is completely see through.  Isn’t that just begging for peeping toms?  Do peeping toms still exist or am I showing my age?

Indian Larry’s “Wild Child” Motorcycle  $750,000

    Oh good Lord in Heaven I want this!  Ok, I know I’ve been kind of a weiner about all the other stuff, but this, my friends, is worth being rich for.  I remember watching him build this sucker on tv and wanting it sooooooooooooo bad.  You win this round Neiman Marcus.

Jeff Koon’s Dom Perignon Balloon Venus $20,000

    The real kick to the pants is that none of that fancy champagne is included, which would no doubt make the sculpture a lot better.  Don’t get me wrong, I love art, but I can’t do anything with this trumped up version of a balloon animal.   You really don’t even get one bottle? 

The Neiman Marcus 2014 Aston Martin Vanquish Volante  $344,500

     Ok, they’ve got two things on this list that I would slap your grandma to own.  Being that my car has more miles on it than an elderly hooker, I wouldn’t mind trading up to the car that even James Bond wants to own.  Plus they all come with machine guns hidden behind the headlights right?   Not that it matters, because this car has a V-12 engine that pumps out enough horsepower to drop panties in a 100 mile radius.  That, my friends, is a true secret weapon.  

Best Buds Resin Series by Tony Devito for Tenacious Toys Super Series Sunday

    The fact that I'm posting about these toys will probably disqualify me from ever holding public office, which is fine because all politicians are crooks.  If I wanted to be a thief I would just go hold up a 7-11, which would definitely end any future presidential bids.  I can imagine the other candidate and I debating on tv, when the moderator asks if I would like to address the time I wrote about those weed toys on my little internet site.  The audience would gasp and I would be forced to live in seclusion on a reindeer farm in Iceland.  Which actually doesn't sound that bad.  Speaking of Iceland, I bought my wife a necklace with a piece of lava rock from there and it only cost $1.90 to ship it to me and I got it in five days.  I can't even mail something 100 miles away in the United States for that price.  We must learn their secrets.  

    Break out your Doritos and Iron Butterfly records because Tenacious Toys is releasing this Best Buds resin series from Tony Devito and We Are Not Toys tomorrow as part of Super Series Sunday.  There are 15 original figures in this series, each with a gold, silver, and bronze chase color and random golden tickets that can be redeemed for cool stuff.  Get one blind box for $29.99 or guarantee a whole set of 15 plus a mystery figure for $420.  They go on sale tomorrow, December 15th at 6pm Eastern time only at http://www.tenacioustoys.com/.

Blamo Toys 5th Annual Custom Show at Toy Art Gallery

    About this time every year I think the wife and I should pack up the kitties and toys and move.  It's not that I don't like living in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey, it's just that it's cold and snowy.  And it is inevitable that if it snows, I have to go to work.  Which means I have to drive surrounded by people who act like they've never seen snow before and close their eyes praying to get to their destination safely.  It's like real life Mario Kart except if you lose you end up getting scraped off the pavement with a shovel.  But then as soon as I think about moving I also remember that I don't like the heat either, so I just give up and watch tv.  

    California seems like a nice place if I were ever to make a big transition.  The weather is nice and it s the center of the designer toy movement in America.  Case in point: Toy Art Gallery.  We don't have anything remotely like this where I live and I would kill to be able to go to all of their shows.  Tomorrow night is the opening reception for the 5th annual Blamo Toys Custom Show and the list of participating artists just about covers the entire toy world.  Everyone started out with one of those Billy figures you see up there and then completely transformed them into something beyond insane.  If you can see them in person you really should, otherwise just sit back and wait like I am until they're all posted online.  

New Stuff You Probably Need from Frank Kozik

    Being Frank Kozik sounds like an awesome job.  Sure, he's worked hard to get where he's at, but now it must be where all the awesome perks kick in, like makin toys and pettin cats all day.  He's so popular that people are clamoring to put his half rotten head on their shelves to look at every day.  That's when you know you've made it.  If orange is your color of choice then you can "head" (see what I did there?) over to www.frankkozik.net on your Google machine and get one of these limited busts that Kevin Gosselin made.  Tell it your secrets, ask it for advice, or just bring it cheeseburgers every day as an offering.  The crazy possibilities are endless!

    Ok, now where was this when I was getting engaged to my wife?  This could have saved me a ton of cash and the catch phrase on it could have prepared her for the years of being married to me.  I bet this sucker would give you special powers too, kinda like the Green Lantern.  Like, the "power to be locked up in the psych ward for trying to use your special powers on unsuspecting people until they called the police".  Even if it doesn't make you any more super than you already are, it still looks cool, and at the end of the day that's still a win.  This is also available right now on www.frankkozik.net.  

Limited Edition Cosmopup from Nathan Hamill

    There's a lot of stuff coming out today.  It's like the toy universe is challenging me to write about all of it.  Well, I have to go to work soon but I wanted to squeeze in one more post about these custom Octopups from Nathan Hamill.  He only hand painted 6 of these little dudes and one can be yours when they go on sale today at noon Pacific time at http://www.nathanhamill.bigcartel.com/.  I have to go take a shower now.  Not that you needed to know that.

New Artifacts Releasing Today from Maximum Fluoride

    These are the kinds of things that teenagers find in abandoned cabins in the forest right before they get slaughtered.  Touching one will certainly open a portal to another dimension that is filled with creatures beyond what our human minds can comprehend.  Blood thirsty and hungry for power they will step into our world, devour our souls, and render our WiFi signals unusable.  

    Ok, none of that will probably happen unless either a.) you're house was built on an indian burial ground or b.) you seriously need your meds adjusted.  But I say throw caution to the wind and welcome one of these Artifacts from Maximum Fluoride into your life.  Worst case scenario is you have an awesome conversation piece that will make you feel like Indiana Jones.  Best case is that you become some sort of supreme overlord that rules an army of the undead.  Either way, pick one up when they go on sale at noon today from http://maximumfluoride.bigcartel.com/.

New Holiday Releases from Peter Kato Happening Today

    Christmas is getting dangerously close for you folks that haven't finished your shopping (me).  Since you're reading this, I figure you or someone you know likes toys right?  So why not get them something unique and handmade instead of a pile of socks (send those to me, I can never find any around here).  

    Peter Kato is releasing two new colorways of his popular figures today to help you with your last minute gift needs.  Not only are they toys, but they're original art, made by the man himself in his Brooklyn studio.  Pick em up at http://peterkatoshop.com/.