Ahhhh it’s that time of year again, where we stress ourselves out to find that perfect present for the ones we love. What’s that you say? You haven’t finished your shopping yet? Well, if you’re in the highest of tax brackets, Neiman Marcus has taken all of the worry out of holiday shopping with their annual Christmas Book. If you’re not wealthy enough to afford any of this, please join me in figuring out how to weasel our way into Warren Buffet’s will.
“His and Her’s” Ultimate Outdoor Entertainment System $1.5 million
I grew up down south, so I totally get the whole concept of having your nicest furniture out on the lawn. I also am familiar with watching tv outside, but that wasn’t because we were ultra fancy and throwing garden parties while we watched The Bad Girls Club. It was because that’s as far as the extension cord would stretch from the neigbor’s outlet. Sure, we would have liked to have been all cozy in the living room, but when you have to steal your electricity you learn to work around your limitations.
Bespoke Global Falconry Companion $150,000
I don’t get falconry. Ok, I don’t really even know what it is. Sure, I could have looked it up, but I might find out I like it and that would make it harder to make fun of. Stop judging me.
From what I gather about falconry, you some how obtain a falcon by putting your arm out and then you put a little hat on it to shame him. This is how rich people pass the time while they talk about rich things like stock portfolios and indoor plumbing. Basically you get all of the things you see in the picture, except for the girl and the actual falcons. So do you just set this up in your backyard and wait for the falcons to see it and realize that you know how to party? Or maybe it comes with a coupon and you have to send away for your falcons like you do sea monkeys. Maybe they’re all just dude falcons and are attracted by the scent of blonde models. For this much money I shouldn’t be left with so many questions. Let’s move on.
Oh, it looks like we’ve reached the clearance section. I’d be totally down with this giant bicycle wheel if it could actually go somewhere. Craigslist is full of information on how you can obtain exercise bikes from the side of the road for free, so this sucker needs to be much more compelling if they want my $11,000. It doesn’t even come with one of those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” necklaces that you’re gonna need when you start using this in ways that were unattended, i.e. ways that would actually make it fun.
Forevermark Ultimate Diamond Experience $1.85 million
Yeah, you get a fancy diamond ring that they cut for you all custom like, but the part I was excited about was having dinner in The Tower of London. I say “was” because in my head the dinner was gonna take place on the block where they seperated Ann Boleyn from her head. Then I found out that they actually have cafes all throughout the place, taking away any charm that could have been had from eating my chicken nuggets at the site of famous executions. Jerks.
The Glass House Experience $30,000
Ahh, another gift for those of us on a budget. The gist is you get to hang out with some famous architect. Lame. They should let you hang out with the Hell’s Angels and let you get in a bar fight. Then afterwards you’ll get a prison style tattoo and shank your worst enemy with a homemade knife. That is by far more exciting than sitting in some dude’s house that is completely see through. Isn’t that just begging for peeping toms? Do peeping toms still exist or am I showing my age?
Indian Larry’s “Wild Child” Motorcycle $750,000
Oh good Lord in Heaven I want this! Ok, I know I’ve been kind of a weiner about all the other stuff, but this, my friends, is worth being rich for. I remember watching him build this sucker on tv and wanting it sooooooooooooo bad. You win this round Neiman Marcus.
Jeff Koon’s Dom Perignon Balloon Venus $20,000
The real kick to the pants is that none of that fancy champagne is included, which would no doubt make the sculpture a lot better. Don’t get me wrong, I love art, but I can’t do anything with this trumped up version of a balloon animal. You really don’t even get one bottle?
The Neiman Marcus 2014 Aston Martin Vanquish Volante $344,500
Ok, they’ve got two things on this list that I would slap your grandma to own. Being that my car has more miles on it than an elderly hooker, I wouldn’t mind trading up to the car that even James Bond wants to own. Plus they all come with machine guns hidden behind the headlights right? Not that it matters, because this car has a V-12 engine that pumps out enough horsepower to drop panties in a 100 mile radius. That, my friends, is a true secret weapon.