Thursday, January 14, 2016

Is This Project Runway or am I Just Reviewing the New Stache Labbit Hat From Frank Kozik x Kidrobot

      I'm not an accessory kind of guy.  I don't wear jewelry other than my wedding ring, and I feel dumb wearing sunglasses.  All the time people are trying to get me to wear sunglasses all like "you gotta protect your eyes from the UV rays or you'll get horrible disfiguring tumors" and I'm all like "mind your damn business cause I'm mad self conscious and would rather not feel silly."  Not the most compelling argument, I'll give you that, but it's all I have.  So then Kidrobot sent me one of these Labbit hats and I admit I'm a tad skeptical.  I don't even know if I'm a hat person.  Certainly I'm not a fedora person, cause no one other than well respected character actor Jon Hamm should be.

Can't we just accept that he's the only man alive that can wear these and not be mocked?  I'm looking at you, neckbeards.  

   But what about other hats?  Aside from the odd beanie I've owned for survival purposes in the frigid northeast I've never explored my hat side.  But this is 2016 and the lines are forever blurring between who we know ourselves to be and who we can become, so with that in mind I donned the Labbit hat:

*****Sexiness levels will vary.  Results pictured are not typical.

    Good Lord Almighty I have unlocked the key to visual enlightenment!!!  Just look at me, holding my kitty Jorah like a straight up G.  And what you can't see is the line of kitties, both mine and stray, lined up waiting to get their snuggle on with me.  I think this might be what the kids call swag, but I refuse to Google that in case it's something I don't want in my browser history.

I have made a terrible mistake.

    How dare you think that wearing a Labbit on your head is merely a fashion statement.  Like Luke stuffed into the body of a fallen Tauntaun, my head is toasty warm and free of dreaded frost bite.  And unlike Tauntauns, which are endangered now after the rebel alliance learned that they don't actually dig the cold weather that much, Labbits are so plentiful that to not gather one up and make a hat of it just means their population will soar to absurd numbers which may or may not hamper the development of strip malls.  I'll be damned if some little moustached bunny is gonna stop me from the manifest destiny that is my need to buy Chinese food and go tanning without having to make two stops.

    I'm just kidding of course, I love little critters and detest all areas of commerce.  This hat is made only with imagination and synthetic fibers, which at no time ever roamed wild or had their habitat stolen from them by some jerk butt.  Besides, do you think any creature with a stache like that could be taken down by puny humans?  They would put a hurtin on anyone that disrespected them.  Instead, these hats are a tribute to their superior facial hair and serve to protect us from their wrath should they decide that we are in the way of their new Labbit casinos.  At least, we hope that's what will happen.

    Endear yourself to our future overlords by getting your own warm and toasty Labbit hat right now at

I just blew your mind with this picture didn't I?

No comments:

Post a Comment