Thursday, May 26, 2016

Morgogg (Steel Bearing Hand) from Skinner

    It is important that when you welcome people into your home for a visit that you lay down the ground rules without the use of words, but merely through your decor.  People will try and trick you and get their mail delivered to your house and stay indefinitely without the benefit of monetary compensation, but rather than offend them with a sharp tongue I prefer to own things that will make them think that living with me would be worse than squatting in an abandoned campground.  Here's some tips that I have proven through rigorous field testing:

1)  Always keep your basement door closed and never offer to show it to anyone when you give a tour of your digs.  Yeah, you may have a sweet vintage Kiss pinball machine down there, but you also may have the mummified corpse of a gypsy who grants you wishes.  No one has ever been frightened away by Kiss pinball.

2.)  There's no such thing as owning too many skulls.

3.)  An altar on the back of your toilet to appease the child who may or may not haunt the bathtub goes a long way toward making someone wonder whether they could do their business in such an environment.  If you have two bathrooms fill the other with litter boxes.  Bonus crazy points if you don't actually have cats.    

4.)  Most importantly, collect some beastly looking toys to fill all your free space.  Make sure their wee beedy eyes are pointing at all times at the only places that guests can sit.  You'll be shocked and/or amazed at how fast they will pick up the excessive amount of suitcases they brought with them to Thanksgiving dinner and head off to search for the next sucker to take them in.  

    Skinner makes a living off of making your non toy collecting friends uncomfortable with his creations, like this dude Morgogg.  He's big, he's mean, and he looks like if he were real he would smell like a tannery.  He's pretty much perfect, and if you want to own one of em you're gonna have to send an email to to enter the lottery for the chance to purchase.  Do it right now, cause Friday at noon Skinner is gonna send out emails to the lucky folks and you want that to be you, right?  Of course you do.  

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