When people conceive of ways to highjack holidays and turn them into greeting card money grabs they should put more thought into it besides financial gain. I'm looking at you Easter and whoever it was decided to create the Easter egg hunt. Now I've partaken in my fair share of them when I was a child, but it wasn't until my later years, more specifically last Sunday, that I noticed a huge missed opportunity. Instead of hiding plastic eggs filled with candy we should utilize what is already strewn about our Earth and not provide treats for a child's ability to spot garishly colored items, but instead reward them for ridding our landscapes of trash.
To accomplish this we must change the mythos of the Easter Bunny just slightly. Now he leaves each child a pair of puncture proof gloves and a metal trashcan that they can spend their morning decorating in preparation for the afternoon's hunt. Once their Easter cans are as festive as can be the race is on to fill one's container with as much refuse as they can possibly stuff into it. Barely able to carry the fruits of their labor, each child will then be able to exchange their trashcan for a boatload of seasonally themed candies of their choosing. Thus, you will have raised little heathens that realize work can be fun AND rewarding at the same time in that it benefits them and their environment. Of course not every child will jump on the band wagon of the new landfill treasure hunt, and they will quickly learn that laziness means that sugar cravings will not be met for another year. Don't have a yard of your own? Find an empty lot and all the fun life lessons it may contain. You cannot be a man of the world unless you can readily identify what you just stepped on as a crack pipe.
I'm coming for you next Columbus Day and I'm coming armed to the teeth.